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Basketball

Sunday, October 18th, 2009
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

Trent and I played hoops today down at the Muscle Beach courts again. After having a serious dislike for basketball for most of his life, Trent has decided that he and I should become very good at basketball and so we’ve been playing often. Our game today was highly competitive and fun against a team of four big, ripped black guys who complained a lot (somewhat annoying). I scored 4 of our first 6 points, but then didn’t play aggressively enough on either side of the ball as our team lost.

I am looking forward to playing again, though I still prefer football.

WARNING: After writing the rest of this post, I realized it sounds like I am an egomaniac douchebag. I recommend stopping here, especially if you have Short Man Syndrome. I am tired of random small guys who think they have something to prove trying to fight me.

Basketball is the sport where I have the greatest physical advantage, to the point where it isn’t even remotely fair sometimes. I don’t feel bad about being faster or stronger, but my height (6’6) makes it such that against most opponents jumping isn’t necessary to get rebounds & find open shots. When you add the fact that I am not only much heavier (220 lbs), but in far superior physical shape to most men, basketball becomes almost a joke. My skills are not nearly as good as practiced players, but I can rely on my size to completely shut them down if I want. I have only been going 50-60% on the court against most oppponents because of this… I just feel bad.

After writing the last little bit, I thought people who don’t know me might think I am exaggerating the situation so I decided to look up some statistics:

  • I am three standard deviations taller than the average man, who only stands 5’9”. Only .15% of all adult men in the U.S. are taller than me.
  • I am identical to the prototypical NBA player size-wise: 6’6.98, 221 lbs. If only I had the same practice time as those guys, maybe I’d be a multimillionaire too lol.

Flag football is more fun for me than basketball because I don’t feel bad; speed and quickness are more important than size and strength. Of course, little guys are usually surprised to learn that I am still much faster than them and have good quickness.

I did the 16 year old Myspace girl thing and took a picture of myself in the mirror to show I’m not full of crap.

Sexy powder blue shorts, eh?

6 thoughts on “Basketball

  1. I read your blog every now and then and find it to be okay, not really good, but totally okay. But I can promise you that if you have more pictures like this I will read it more often ;) lol, seriously we need men like you in my country(Sweden). Most men here are metrosexual and not masculine at all. You should do a post about what kind of man a woman want’s, because we always get crap for not wanting the nice guy. Honestly everyone want’s a nice guy but not a wimp, and most nice guys are wimps and cowards….not sexy… it’s so mean to say so, but also so true…sorry! :/

  2. Sara, I think you would be better qualified than me to write a post on what women want. If you’d like to write a guest post on it, I would be happy to post it here for you. Let me know what you think.  Joel

  3. Sounds like a lot of fun! :) I’m currently studying for some exams but will definitely write one after that. What’s the word limit? Any forbidden aspects?sex?

  4. you are such a douche bag- but i am glad to see pics of you with your shirt off. you look great, keep up the good work.

  5. Hey Joel, you can be my king. How would you like to hang out with me, I’m only 5’8”, similarly ripped like you. We can be best friends and then if we like each other we can date. 1)We can play basketball together and I’ll let you use your height advantage on me. 2)you can tip toe while you are wearing those blue shorts and then your ass will be really close to my face and then you can fart right in front of my face ( that would be really fun). 3) after working out together we can come home and you can take off your sweaty clothes and socks and throw them on me and I’ll do your laundry! 4) How would you like the average american to also do your feet, you may also pee on me in the shower, I’ll be your slave and you my king. Please reply by writing to the email I provided. I have a very strong crush on you.Thanks.

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