Build Your Bomb Shelter, Stock with Guns, Food, Gas & Women

Joel, what’s going on in the world?

The world is coming to and end and the sky is falling! Prepare yourselves! Now is the time to buy your bottled water, load your guns, hide your rice and bag your ladies!

Why is the world coming to an end?

Because Henry Paulson is the US Treasury Secretary.
Because Christopher Cox is the SEC Chairman.
Because Ben Bernanke is the Federal Reserve Chairman.

And worst of all, because George W. Bush is the President of the United States.

Who are these men?

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Do I sound like a democrat? Or a liberal? Or a bleeding heart, whining tree-hugger?

I’m not.  I’m a hardcore fiscal conservative who has been BETRAYED by members of the party that was supposed to have protected Americans from the excesses of the left.  Instead, President George Bush has raised taxes more than any president in history, created the largest budget deficits in history and the largest trade deficits in history. America’s economy has been royally screwed over by the dark Little Prince who had no idea what he was doing when Big Daddy Bush gave him the wheel of the most powerful car on earth.  President George Bush burned through more of current taxpayers and even unborn taxpayers money than anyone else in history.  President Clinton had many faults, but the man at least balanced the federal budget.  If I could go back in history and trade ANYONE in this country for Bush, I would.  Heck, I’d even give the presidency to the homeless dude I saw on my way home from seeing IOUSA (great movie by the way).  The homeless dude at least wouldn’t screw up the economy- he’d be too busy getting drunk & bringing prostitutes back to the Lincoln bedroom.

Joel, now that Black Monday has arrived, what should I do?

So now that the world and everything in it is coming to an end, I have 5 simple recommendations for everyone:

1. Build a bomb shelter for the inevitable war that comes after an economy implodes and blame must be placed on someone besides the person in power.

Build your bomb shelter to hide from war.

Blueprint for your Bomb Shelter

Your bomb shelter will be very useful for avoiding the nuclear, chemical or biological fallout from the coming world wars. I suggest bringing lots of pillows for your comfort and that of the beautiful women who join you (see suggestion 4).

2. Buy big guns.  Lots and lots of guns.  Guns keep the zombies out of your bomb shelter.

Big Guns needed to shoot unsavory characters such as the 4 Horsemen

3. Tons of gasoline needs to be purchased. You don’t want to be stuck riding a horse, when you are driving a car like the one below. Especially in LA.

Beautiful woman on a barely noticeable car. She disappears if the car does though.

4. Women. What’s the meaning of life without women? Don’t bother with the first three suggestions if you aren’t going to take care of this most important one. You don’t want to be stuck in a fallout bomb shelter for four years with nothing but a Maxim magazine and pistol, do you? You wouldn’t make it a week! I suggest you use the Borat method and take your “wedding sack” and go bag yourself a few hotties. Lord knows your charm won’t help. If the “wedding sack” isn’t effective, bring a backup Louisville bat… and pray that the economy actually goes down the tubes.

Mmmm... Hot girl in bomb shelter with me...

5. Bring an internet connection with a laptop that has BLOG.JOELX.COM in it’s bookmarks!

I know, I’m a shameless self-promoter.