Category Archives: King of America

Steve Jobs

Thursday, October 6, 2011
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

Is it weird that I feel the same exact way about the passing of Steve Jobs as I did about the entirety of 9/11?

BPN DECLARES WAR ON PRIVACY

Friday, March 5, 2010
Posted in Entertainment, King of America by Joel Gross

Our modern age of ignorance has brought about the most powerful government the world has ever known declaring war on a tactic (terrorism).  Privacy is a principle and as such is much more natural to have war declared on it.  Throughout history governments and peoples have declared war on the basis of principles such as greed, socialism, religion.

As the solemnly self-appointed leader of Ban Privacy Now, and in the name of good & decent human beings everywhere I HEREBY DECLARE WAR ON PRIVACY.

Privacy advocates everywhere should flee in terror before the wrath of the powerful Ban Privacy Now movement.  The time has come to unearth all of your dastardly deeds: no more touching children in appropriately, no more crying about tracking software, no more cheating on your wife.

Basketball

Sunday, October 18, 2009
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

Trent and I played hoops today down at the Muscle Beach courts again. After having a serious dislike for basketball for most of his life, Trent has decided that he and I should become very good at basketball and so we’ve been playing often. Our game today was highly competitive and fun against a team of four big, ripped black guys who complained a lot (somewhat annoying). I scored 4 of our first 6 points, but then didn’t play aggressively enough on either side of the ball as our team lost.

I am looking forward to playing again, though I still prefer football.

WARNING: After writing the rest of this post, I realized it sounds like I am an egomaniac douchebag. I recommend stopping here, especially if you have Short Man Syndrome. I am tired of random small guys who think they have something to prove trying to fight me.

Basketball is the sport where I have the greatest physical advantage, to the point where it isn’t even remotely fair sometimes. I don’t feel bad about being faster or stronger, but my height (6’6) makes it such that against most opponents jumping isn’t necessary to get rebounds & find open shots. When you add the fact that I am not only much heavier (220 lbs), but in far superior physical shape to most men, basketball becomes almost a joke. My skills are not nearly as good as practiced players, but I can rely on my size to completely shut them down if I want. I have only been going 50-60% on the court against most oppponents because of this… I just feel bad.

After writing the last little bit, I thought people who don’t know me might think I am exaggerating the situation so I decided to look up some statistics:

  • I am three standard deviations taller than the average man, who only stands 5’9”. Only .15% of all adult men in the U.S. are taller than me.
  • I am identical to the prototypical NBA player size-wise: 6’6.98, 221 lbs. If only I had the same practice time as those guys, maybe I’d be a multimillionaire too lol.

Flag football is more fun for me than basketball because I don’t feel bad; speed and quickness are more important than size and strength. Of course, little guys are usually surprised to learn that I am still much faster than them and have good quickness.

I did the 16 year old Myspace girl thing and took a picture of myself in the mirror to show I’m not full of crap.

Sexy powder blue shorts, eh?

King of America: The Joy of Gluttony

Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

Shows such as “The Biggest Loser” and “Quarter Ton Teen” have been cropping up lately trying to encourage Americans to eat less. Pop psychologists regularly appear on talk shows jabbering about how America has an “obesity epidemic” and how gluttony is tearing apart the fabric of our society.

Enough of that crap. The King of America is here to share with you some of the joys of gluttony.

The King of America is currently laying on his couch as he writes this post, his belly stuffed to overflowing and his heart full of joy. If he moves even a little bit, sharp pain shoots through his gut… but hey, who needs to move when you are already satiated?

The pasta recipe that brought the King of America’s gut to his knees was of titanic proportions. Everything he had in his kitchen wound up in the white pot. For the first time, the King of America was so stunned by his own gluttony that he counted calories… and nearly ran out of numbers. 17,190 calories. A meal fit for a King.

King of America on Gluttony

King of America on Gluttony

Calorie Counting for Gluttons:

3 sticks of sweet cream butter- 2,400 calories
Est.50-70 tbsp of olive oil- 6,700 calories
2 large bags of pasta- 3,600 calories
4 cans of tomatoes- 120 calories
3 lbs of fresh mushrooms- 50 calories
1 handful of basil- 10 calories
15 shallots- 300 calories
2 onions – 100 calories
spices- 10 calories
12 big chicken thighs 2,400 calories
Prego- 7 cups- 1,500 calories
Total Calories = 17,190

Gluttony: Aint nuthin wrong with that!

Gluttony: Ain't nuthin wrong with that!

Wall Street had it wrong- greed isn’t nearly as good as gluttony.‚  America enjoy your super-sized food.‚  It’s your God given right to eat yourself to death so you can be in heaven sooner.‚  If the Muslims can use their religion to blow themselves up with explosives, we can use our religion to blow ourselves up with food.‚  Heck, Jesus even turned a couple loaves of bread and a few fishes into thousands, there’s no reason we shouldn’t do the same with industrial farms.‚  Us Americans haven’t seen much of God’s direct miracles lately, but we can watch God’s hand work through the science of food processing.

The funniest thing about the King of America’s gluttony is the fact that he has a lower body fat percentage than most anyone he knows.‚  Three hurrahs for the King!

Rah!

Rah

rah

P.S.‚  The pasta was not all eaten in one sitting… it will be a regular meal staple through probably Sunday.

Protected: Build Your Bomb Shelter, Stock with Guns, Food, Gas & Women

Monday, September 29, 2008
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

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King of America: 2nd Amendment- The Right to Bear Arms

Thursday, June 26, 2008
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

I want a nuclear weapon.

I have a right to have a nuclear weapon.

So screw you liberal bastards, I’m going to get me a nuclear weapon.

The purpose of the 2nd amendment was to give the people power over the government. Without the right to bear arms, the government can do as it pleases without listening to the people. If the people have arms, the government will be much more careful about stealing other rights. As all those cheesedicks say, “Freedom has a price”… however that price is people getting killed in our own country in gunfights, not overseas. I’d rather risk getting shot or blown up then have to live in fear of a bunch of morons with guns running a government bureacracy.

King of America on Eating

Saturday, April 5, 2008
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

steak for king of america

The King Of America’s Recipe for a satisfying dinner:

-1 pound of garlic roasted asparagus spears
-3 fat butter & black pepper grilled steaks
-1 apple
-Half of a 2-liter Costco jug of grape juice
-1 container of low-fat orange yogurt

Consume this beautiful meal at home alone in peace. I never watch television (why do I pay for cable again?), but I turned it on and the Final Four basketball game between the hallowed University of North Carolina and Kansas was on. I watched it from the start and by the time I was done, Kansas was leading 40-12 and the announcer said, “This game is over” (which they never do since they want viewers to stay). I love watching either close games or games in which one team absolutely and totally dominates. Powerful success in all its forms is an aphrodisiac.

Am I a sick man for wallowing in such physical pleasures?

Most people would say yes, but most people have no passion, intellect or moral courage to take a stand in opposition to what everyone else thinks. And yes, I do intend that it be patently obvious I love myself furiously.

King of America: Short Man Syndrome

Friday, March 14, 2008
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

Cartoon of short man syndromePost Disclaimer: I am 6’6”, but actually believe that I may suffer from a version of short man syndrome myself. I tend to be competitive and aggressive and occasionally assault tall men, because, “they were judging me.”

For years I have noticed that people who are short or were short when they were young are often much more aggressive than the rest of the human population. My theory was always that short people (men especially) are more aggressive because they feel a need to “prove” themselves to their taller peers.

People throughout history have noticed that short men are significantly more likely to be jealous and angry and aggressive than tall people are. Older civilizations had a different name for “Short Man Syndrome”- “The Napoleon Complex”. Both are terms that describe an inferiority complex that physically short men have. Other terms for short man syndrome include “small man syndrome”, “little man issues”, “child molestor” and “little demon creature”. Some of those may be more scientifically accurate than others.

Many historical figures are alleged to have had short man syndrome- Napoleon BonapartThe Napoleon Bonaparte Complexe, Mussolini, Attila the Hun, Stalin among many of history’s most loathed men. Could their short man syndrome have driven them to commit atrocities and have a drive for absolute power? Is short man syndrome a factor in life?

Recent and old scientific studies, along with piles of anecdotal evidence seem to indicate that yes, short man syndrome is a major factor in human society. Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands recently carried out a study to find out how short man syndrome affects relationships. Participants were asked to rate themselves on how jealous they were on a scale from “not jealous at all” to “morbidly jealous”. The study participants were also asked how interested their partners were in members of the opposite sex. The results showed that the shorter men were FAR more likely to be jealous than the tall men. Researcher Dr. Abraham Buunk said, “Taller men tended to be less jealous, and the tallest men were the least jealous.” In contrast, “the very short and very tall women tended to be more jealous and women of average height were the least jealous.”

Another study with more participants (about 400) was done afterwards and once again the shortest men were the most jealous on a sliding scale up to the tallest men. The researchers thesis is that their findings reflect insecurities among people who are not society’s targeted height.

I can understand why short men have short man syndrome. The world at large seems to have a very strong unconscious bias towards taller people.

Research studies have shown that the taller a man is significantly more likely to make more money, have moreshort man syndrome children, have more sexual partners and get more replies to dating advertisements than are shorter men. According to Malcolm Gladwell, the average CEO on the Fortune 500 list is 3” taller than the average American male. This statistic actually way understates what is actually going on- 58% of CEO’s on the Fortune 500 list are over six feet tall, while the American population average is 14.5%. As you continue to even taller heights, you find that the bias for tall people increases further. 3.9% of the American populace is over 6’2”, whereas 30% of CEO’s are over 6’2”. Short men have very good reason to be more aggressive and jealous than their taller peers- people automatically judge them as inferior. Other studies have shown that on average, each additional inch in height for a man gives him an additional $789 a year in income. If you take this over a 40 year lifetime of work short man syndrome hahahaand compare the difference between the average 6’6” man and the average 5’5” man, this adds up to hundreds of thousands a year of additional income. Also, in almost every presidential election in American history, the taller man has won over the short man. George W. Bush is a rare exception; but he still got less votes than the taller Al Gore. People love tall men.

I have questions about the correlation between height and success in life. Is it causative? Does being taller mean you probably have better genes and thus are more likely to be successful in life? Or is it simply a genetic prejudice held over from the days when big men were more likely to survive than shorter men? I don’t know. It may also have to do with nutrition: people who receive better nutrition at a young age have been shown to be more intelligent and grow taller than those who don’t. What do you, my readers, think? short man syndrome uber freak

Short man syndrome has been something that annoyed me my whole life. Shorter guys are always trying to prove they are better at me at whatever stupid activity we are doing. Sometimes I just want to play a simple game of horse without a short guy getting all heated. Since I’ve shown that there is a real cause for short man syndrome and that short man syndrome exists in everyday life, is there anything we can do about it?

Is there a cure for Short Man Syndrome? Has Short Man Syndrome caused more suffering than, say, cancer or AIDs? What is the Center for Disease Control (CDC) doing to combat short man syndrome?!

We cannot let the short man syndrome outbreak continue to spread… look at what it has done to the poor victim pictured at right.

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