Steve Jobs

Is it weird that I feel the same exact way about the passing of Steve Jobs as I did about the entirety of 9/11?

Basketball

Trent and I played hoops today down at the Muscle Beach courts again. After having a serious dislike for basketball for most of his life, Trent has decided that he and I should become very good at basketball and so we’ve been playing often. Our game today was highly competitive and fun against a team of four big, ripped black guys who complained a lot (somewhat annoying). I scored 4 of our first 6 points, but then didn’t play aggressively enough on either side of the ball as our team lost.

I am looking forward to playing again, though I still prefer football.

WARNING: After writing the rest of this post, I realized it sounds like I am an egomaniac douchebag. I recommend stopping here, especially if you have Short Man Syndrome. I am tired of random small guys who think they have something to prove trying to fight me.

Basketball is the sport where I have the greatest physical advantage, to the point where it isn’t even remotely fair sometimes. I don’t feel bad about being faster or stronger, but my height (6’6) makes it such that against most opponents jumping isn’t necessary to get rebounds & find open shots. When you add the fact that I am not only much heavier (220 lbs), but in far superior physical shape to most men, basketball becomes almost a joke. My skills are not nearly as good as practiced players, but I can rely on my size to completely shut them down if I want. I have only been going 50-60% on the court against most oppponents because of this… I just feel bad.

After writing the last little bit, I thought people who don’t know me might think I am exaggerating the situation so I decided to look up some statistics:

• I am three standard deviations taller than the average man, who only stands 5’9”. Only .15% of all adult men in the U.S. are taller than me.
• I am identical to the prototypical NBA player size-wise: 6’6.98, 221 lbs. If only I had the same practice time as those guys, maybe I’d be a multimillionaire too lol.

Flag football is more fun for me than basketball because I don’t feel bad; speed and quickness are more important than size and strength. Of course, little guys are usually surprised to learn that I am still much faster than them and have good quickness.

I did the 16 year old Myspace girl thing and took a picture of myself in the mirror to show I’m not full of crap.

Sexy powder blue shorts, eh?

King of America: The Joy of Gluttony

Shows such as “The Biggest Loser” and “Quarter Ton Teen” have been cropping up lately trying to encourage Americans to eat less. Pop psychologists regularly appear on talk shows jabbering about how America has an “obesity epidemic” and how gluttony is tearing apart the fabric of our society.

Enough of that crap. The King of America is here to share with you some of the joys of gluttony.

The King of America is currently laying on his couch as he writes this post, his belly stuffed to overflowing and his heart full of joy. If he moves even a little bit, sharp pain shoots through his gut… but hey, who needs to move when you are already satiated?

The pasta recipe that brought the King of America’s gut to his knees was of titanic proportions. Everything he had in his kitchen wound up in the white pot. For the first time, the King of America was so stunned by his own gluttony that he counted calories… and nearly ran out of numbers. 17,190 calories. A meal fit for a King.

King of America on Gluttony

Calorie Counting for Gluttons:

3 sticks of sweet cream butter- 2,400 calories
Est.50-70 tbsp of olive oil- 6,700 calories
2 large bags of pasta- 3,600 calories
4 cans of tomatoes- 120 calories
3 lbs of fresh mushrooms- 50 calories
1 handful of basil- 10 calories
15 shallots- 300 calories
2 onions – 100 calories
spices- 10 calories
12 big chicken thighs 2,400 calories
Prego- 7 cups- 1,500 calories
Total Calories = 17,190

Gluttony: Ain't nuthin wrong with that!

Wall Street had it wrong- greed isn’t nearly as good as gluttony.‚  America enjoy your super-sized food.‚  It’s your God given right to eat yourself to death so you can be in heaven sooner.‚  If the Muslims can use their religion to blow themselves up with explosives, we can use our religion to blow ourselves up with food.‚  Heck, Jesus even turned a couple loaves of bread and a few fishes into thousands, there’s no reason we shouldn’t do the same with industrial farms.‚  Us Americans haven’t seen much of God’s direct miracles lately, but we can watch God’s hand work through the science of food processing.

The funniest thing about the King of America’s gluttony is the fact that he has a lower body fat percentage than most anyone he knows.‚  Three hurrahs for the King!

Rah!

Rah

rah

P.S.‚  The pasta was not all eaten in one sitting… it will be a regular meal staple through probably Sunday.

“Death Post”

I thought about writing a post that would be published on my blog upon my death, but decided against it.‚  Something tells me that A) the idea is trite B) I would accidentally publish it at some point before my passing, causing endless grief.

Instead, I will post something below similar to what the death post would’ve been:

*Clears throat….

Followers of the King of America, the world has just ended.‚  Your leader has decided to move on and become King of the Universe and wishes you to come join him.‚  Do so immediately by climbing upon the nearest object higher than 40 feet, shut your eyes and leap off head first.‚  This is your ticket to the Ultimate Heaven, where I will greet you with 72 virgins and a Budweiser Clamato.

Yes, I know ripped off another religion’s idea, but if the promise of untouched women has worked so well before, why reinvent the wheel?

Build Your Bomb Shelter, Stock with Guns, Food, Gas & Women

Joel, what’s going on in the world?

The world is coming to and end and the sky is falling! Prepare yourselves! Now is the time to buy your bottled water, load your guns, hide your rice and bag your ladies!

Why is the world coming to an end?

Because Henry Paulson is the US Treasury Secretary.
Because Christopher Cox is the SEC Chairman.
Because Ben Bernanke is the Federal Reserve Chairman.

And worst of all, because George W. Bush is the President of the United States.

Who are these men?

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Do I sound like a democrat? Or a liberal? Or a bleeding heart, whining tree-hugger?

I’m not.‚  I’m a hardcore fiscal conservative who has been BETRAYED by members of the party that was supposed to have protected Americans from the excesses of the left.‚  Instead, President George Bush has raised taxes more than any president in history, created the largest budget deficits in history and the largest trade deficits in history. America’s economy has been royally screwed over by the dark Little Prince who had no idea what he was doing when Big Daddy Bush gave him the wheel of the most powerful car on earth.‚  President George Bush burned through more of current taxpayers and even unborn taxpayers money than anyone else in history.‚  President Clinton had many faults, but the man at least balanced the federal budget.‚  If I could go back in history and trade ANYONE in this country for Bush, I would.‚  Heck, I’d even give the presidency to the homeless dude I saw on my way home from seeing IOUSA (great movie by the way).‚  The homeless dude at least wouldn’t screw up the economy- he’d be too busy getting drunk & bringing prostitutes back to the Lincoln bedroom.

Joel, now that Black Monday has arrived, what should I do?

So now that the world and everything in it is coming to an end, I have 5 simple recommendations for everyone:

1. Build a bomb shelter for the inevitable war that comes after an economy implodes and blame must be placed on someone besides the person in power.

Build your bomb shelter to hide from war.

Blueprint for your Bomb Shelter

Your bomb shelter will be very useful for avoiding the nuclear, chemical or biological fallout from the coming world wars. I suggest bringing lots of pillows for your comfort and that of the beautiful women who join you (see suggestion 4).

2. Buy big guns.‚  Lots and lots of guns.‚  Guns keep the zombies out of your bomb shelter.

Big Guns needed to shoot unsavory characters such as the 4 Horsemen

3. Tons of gasoline needs to be purchased. You don’t want to be stuck riding a horse, when you are driving a car like the one below. Especially in LA.

Beautiful woman on a barely noticeable car. She disappears if the car does though.

4. Women. What’s the meaning of life without women? Don’t bother with the first three suggestions if you aren’t going to take care of this most important one. You don’t want to be stuck in a fallout bomb shelter for four years with nothing but a Maxim magazine and pistol, do you? You wouldn’t make it a week! I suggest you use the Borat method and take your “wedding sack” and go bag yourself a few hotties. Lord knows your charm won’t help. If the “wedding sack” isn’t effective, bring a backup Louisville bat… and pray that the economy actually goes down the tubes.

Mmmm... Hot girl in bomb shelter with me...

5. Bring an internet connection with a laptop that has BLOG.JOELX.COM in it’s bookmarks!

I know, I’m a shameless self-promoter.

King of America: 2nd Amendment- The Right to Bear Arms

I want a nuclear weapon.

I have a right to have a nuclear weapon.

So screw you liberal bastards, I’m going to get me a nuclear weapon.

The purpose of the 2nd amendment was to give the people power over the government. Without the right to bear arms, the government can do as it pleases without listening to the people. If the people have arms, the government will be much more careful about stealing other rights. As all those cheesedicks say, “Freedom has a price”… however that price is people getting killed in our own country in gunfights, not overseas. I’d rather risk getting shot or blown up then have to live in fear of a bunch of morons with guns running a government bureacracy.

King of America on Eating

The King Of America’s Recipe for a satisfying dinner:

-1 pound of garlic roasted asparagus spears
-3 fat butter & black pepper grilled steaks
-1 apple
-Half of a 2-liter Costco jug of grape juice
-1 container of low-fat orange yogurt

Consume this beautiful meal at home alone in peace. I never watch television (why do I pay for cable again?), but I turned it on and the Final Four basketball game between the hallowed University of North Carolina and Kansas was on. I watched it from the start and by the time I was done, Kansas was leading 40-12 and the announcer said, “This game is over” (which they never do since they want viewers to stay). I love watching either close games or games in which one team absolutely and totally dominates. Powerful success in all its forms is an aphrodisiac.

Am I a sick man for wallowing in such physical pleasures?

Most people would say yes, but most people have no passion, intellect or moral courage to take a stand in opposition to what everyone else thinks. And yes, I do intend that it be patently obvious I love myself furiously.

King of America: Abstinence Only Education

Abstinence is defined as restraining oneself from an appetite or desire for activities that are usually pleasurable such as sex, food, alcohol and fun.

In this post, the mighty King of America will be discussing abstinence specifically in it’s sexual form, mostly pertaining to religious sexual abstinence.

Why? Because sexual abstinence is not only life-wrecking, it’s hilariously dumb.

Growing up in an evangelical Christian church, I had extensive experience with people who both advocated (lots and lots) and practiced (a few) sexual abstinence. In my life today, I still have a couple of people who are sexually abstinent. I respect them, but discussing sexual ideas with them is like discussing freedom ideas with a medieval peasant. They have no idea what a beautiful and wonderful experience they are missing out on.

The Bible forbids sex before marriage (though many Christians have found a way around this by claiming that rectum romping and mouth to genitalia contact are not sex). I actually talked to a girl who told me that she was a virgin, but upon further discussion I came to find that she was shall we say “generous” in her hindmost activities. I find such hypocritical people to be completely silly and won’t address them here beyond a short laugh. Ha.

One of my good friends, Nick, believes that sex before marriage is wrong and thus has never done the dirty deed. I respect him because he follows what he perceives to be the correct action. I don’t like people who say one thing and then do another. It seems that he thinks the same way, because he still hangs out with me although we have radically different views on sexual abstinence before marriage.

The benefits of safe sex are numerous and clinically proven: Frequent ejaculation has been directly correlated with a lower risk of prostate cancer. Other studies have shown that excessive repression of the sexual instinct on a society-wide basis leads to a massive increase in aggression in a given society. For instance a psychologist named J.M. Prescott showed that societies forbidding premarital sex are plagued by much higher rates of acts of rage and have more crime and violence. Prescott’s study also demonstrated that sexual repression and aggression leads to insensitivity to the feelings of others, criminal behavior and greater likelihood of killing and torturing enemies (water-boarding by American soldiers who are mostly Christian would be a great example of this). Forbes has also published a study that tracked 1,000 middle aged men for a decade and found that the men who had the most orgasms had a mortality rate of HALF the men who rarely orgasmed. Other reports have shown that having sex a few times a week is associated with a reduced risk of heart disease, better fitness, weight loss and even a better sense of smell. In women, frequent sexual activity is directly correlated with reduced depression, pain relief, less frequent colds & flu, better bladder control, improved health and healthier teeth. Do these benefits only help older people? No. Studies have also shown that men in their twenties can reduce their odds of getting prostate cancer by 33% by ejaculating five or more times a week.

What are the possible benefits of sexual abstinence?

YOU WON’T BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY IN A LAKE OF FIRE WHILE GETTING POKED IN THE EYE BY ROSIE O’DONNELL!!!!

Right?…. Because studies have shown that abstinence education leads to a RISE in sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy!!! This is because people who are taught abstinence-only education in schools usually end up having sex anyways (hey, simple biology here) and when they do they are significantly less likely than others to use condoms.

So other than not having Saddam Hussein as your roommate and “special friend” forever, why would anyone give up the incredible joys and the natural high of sex?! Egad.

Now that we have had a quite thorough discussion of abstinence and it’s severe limitations, let us entertain ourselves a bit more with some of the greatest comedians in the land. Below are some funny takes on abstinenence and abstinence only education programs by various funnymen.

Abstinence Camp

“Will you abstinence make out with me?” “Let’s have abstinence sex!, YAY!”

READ MORE ON ABSTINENCE BELOW AND WATCH MORE FUNNY ABSTINENCE VIDEOS!!!

(more…)

King of America: Short Man Syndrome

Post Disclaimer: I am 6’6”, but actually believe that I may suffer from a version of short man syndrome myself. I tend to be competitive and aggressive and occasionally assault tall men, because, “they were judging me.”

For years I have noticed that people who are short or were short when they were young are often much more aggressive than the rest of the human population. My theory was always that short people (men especially) are more aggressive because they feel a need to “prove” themselves to their taller peers.

People throughout history have noticed that short men are significantly more likely to be jealous and angry and aggressive than tall people are. Older civilizations had a different name for “Short Man Syndrome”- “The Napoleon Complex”. Both are terms that describe an inferiority complex that physically short men have. Other terms for short man syndrome include “small man syndrome”, “little man issues”, “child molestor” and “little demon creature”. Some of those may be more scientifically accurate than others.

Many historical figures are alleged to have had short man syndrome- Napoleon Bonaparte, Mussolini, Attila the Hun, Stalin among many of history’s most loathed men. Could their short man syndrome have driven them to commit atrocities and have a drive for absolute power? Is short man syndrome a factor in life?

Recent and old scientific studies, along with piles of anecdotal evidence seem to indicate that yes, short man syndrome is a major factor in human society. Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands recently carried out a study to find out how short man syndrome affects relationships. Participants were asked to rate themselves on how jealous they were on a scale from “not jealous at all” to “morbidly jealous”. The study participants were also asked how interested their partners were in members of the opposite sex. The results showed that the shorter men were FAR more likely to be jealous than the tall men. Researcher Dr. Abraham Buunk said, “Taller men tended to be less jealous, and the tallest men were the least jealous.” In contrast, “the very short and very tall women tended to be more jealous and women of average height were the least jealous.”

Another study with more participants (about 400) was done afterwards and once again the shortest men were the most jealous on a sliding scale up to the tallest men. The researchers thesis is that their findings reflect insecurities among people who are not society’s targeted height.

I can understand why short men have short man syndrome. The world at large seems to have a very strong unconscious bias towards taller people.

Research studies have shown that the taller a man is significantly more likely to make more money, have more children, have more sexual partners and get more replies to dating advertisements than are shorter men. According to Malcolm Gladwell, the average CEO on the Fortune 500 list is 3” taller than the average American male. This statistic actually way understates what is actually going on- 58% of CEO’s on the Fortune 500 list are over six feet tall, while the American population average is 14.5%. As you continue to even taller heights, you find that the bias for tall people increases further. 3.9% of the American populace is over 6’2”, whereas 30% of CEO’s are over 6’2”. Short men have very good reason to be more aggressive and jealous than their taller peers- people automatically judge them as inferior. Other studies have shown that on average, each additional inch in height for a man gives him an additional $789 a year in income. If you take this over a 40 year lifetime of work and compare the difference between the average 6’6” man and the average 5’5” man, this adds up to hundreds of thousands a year of additional income. Also, in almost every presidential election in American history, the taller man has won over the short man. George W. Bush is a rare exception; but he still got less votes than the taller Al Gore. People love tall men.

I have questions about the correlation between height and success in life. Is it causative? Does being taller mean you probably have better genes and thus are more likely to be successful in life? Or is it simply a genetic prejudice held over from the days when big men were more likely to survive than shorter men? I don’t know. It may also have to do with nutrition: people who receive better nutrition at a young age have been shown to be more intelligent and grow taller than those who don’t. What do you, my readers, think?

Short man syndrome has been something that annoyed me my whole life. Shorter guys are always trying to prove they are better at me at whatever stupid activity we are doing. Sometimes I just want to play a simple game of horse without a short guy getting all heated. Since I’ve shown that there is a real cause for short man syndrome and that short man syndrome exists in everyday life, is there anything we can do about it?

Is there a cure for Short Man Syndrome? Has Short Man Syndrome caused more suffering than, say, cancer or AIDs? What is the Center for Disease Control (CDC) doing to combat short man syndrome?!

We cannot let the short man syndrome outbreak continue to spread… look at what it has done to the poor victim pictured at right.