I am looking forward to playing again, though I still prefer football.

WARNING: After writing the rest of this post, I realized it sounds like I am an egomaniac douchebag. I recommend stopping here, especially if you have Short Man Syndrome. I am tired of random small guys who think they have something to prove trying to fight me.

Basketball is the sport where I have the greatest physical advantage, to the point where it isn’t even remotely fair sometimes. I don’t feel bad about being faster or stronger, but my height (6′6) makes it such that against most opponents jumping isn’t necessary to get rebounds & find open shots. When you add the fact that I am not only much heavier (220 lbs), but in far superior physical shape to most men, basketball becomes almost a joke. My skills are not nearly as good as practiced players, but I can rely on my size to completely shut them down if I want. I have only been going 50-60% on the court against most oppponents because of this… I just feel bad.

After writing the last little bit, I thought people who don’t know me might think I am exaggerating the situation so I decided to look up some statistics:

• I am three standard deviations taller than the average man, who only stands 5′9”. Only .15% of all adult men in the U.S. are taller than me.
• I am identical to the prototypical NBA player size-wise: 6′6.98, 221 lbs. If only I had the same practice time as those guys, maybe I’d be a multimillionaire too lol.

Flag football is more fun for me than basketball because I don’t feel bad; speed and quickness are more important than size and strength. Of course, little guys are usually surprised to learn that I am still much faster than them and have good quickness.

I did the 16 year old Myspace girl thing and took a picture of myself in the mirror to show I’m not full of crap.

Sexy powder blue shorts, eh?

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Enough of that crap. The King of America is here to share with you some of the joys of gluttony.

The King of America is currently laying on his couch as he writes this post, his belly stuffed to overflowing and his heart full of joy. If he moves even a little bit, sharp pain shoots through his gut… but hey, who needs to move when you are already satiated?

The pasta recipe that brought the King of America’s gut to his knees was of titanic proportions. Everything he had in his kitchen wound up in the white pot. For the first time, the King of America was so stunned by his own gluttony that he counted calories… and nearly ran out of numbers. 17,190 calories. A meal fit for a King.

King of America on Gluttony

Calorie Counting for Gluttons:

3 sticks of sweet cream butter- 2,400 calories
Est.50-70 tbsp of olive oil- 6,700 calories
2 large bags of pasta- 3,600 calories
4 cans of tomatoes- 120 calories
3 lbs of fresh mushrooms- 50 calories
1 handful of basil- 10 calories
15 shallots- 300 calories
2 onions – 100 calories
spices- 10 calories
12 big chicken thighs 2,400 calories
Prego- 7 cups- 1,500 calories
Total Calories = 17,190

Gluttony: Ain't nuthin wrong with that!

Wall Street had it wrong- greed isn’t nearly as good as gluttony.  America enjoy your super-sized food.  It’s your God given right to eat yourself to death so you can be in heaven sooner.  If the Muslims can use their religion to blow themselves up with explosives, we can use our religion to blow ourselves up with food.  Heck, Jesus even turned a couple loaves of bread and a few fishes into thousands, there’s no reason we shouldn’t do the same with industrial farms.  Us Americans haven’t seen much of God’s direct miracles lately, but we can watch God’s hand work through the science of food processing.

The funniest thing about the King of America’s gluttony is the fact that he has a lower body fat percentage than most anyone he knows.  Three hurrahs for the King!

Rah!

Rah

rah

P.S.  The pasta was not all eaten in one sitting… it will be a regular meal staple through probably Sunday.

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Instead, I will post something below similar to what the death post would’ve been:

*Clears throat….

Followers of the King of America, the world has just ended.  Your leader has decided to move on and become King of the Universe and wishes you to come join him.  Do so immediately by climbing upon the nearest object higher than 40 feet, shut your eyes and leap off head first.  This is your ticket to the Ultimate Heaven, where I will greet you with 72 virgins and a Budweiser Clamato.

Yes, I know ripped off another religion’s idea, but if the promise of untouched women has worked so well before, why reinvent the wheel?

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The world is coming to and end and the sky is falling! Prepare yourselves! Now is the time to buy your bottled water, load your guns, hide your rice and bag your ladies!

Why is the world coming to an end?

Because Henry Paulson is the US Treasury Secretary.
Because Christopher Cox is the SEC Chairman.
Because Ben Bernanke is the Federal Reserve Chairman.

And worst of all, because George W. Bush is the President of the United States.

Who are these men?

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Do I sound like a democrat? Or a liberal? Or a bleeding heart, whining tree-hugger?

I’m not.  I’m a hardcore fiscal conservative who has been BETRAYED by members of the party that was supposed to have protected Americans from the excesses of the left.  Instead, President George Bush has raised taxes more than any president in history, created the largest budget deficits in history and the largest trade deficits in history. America’s economy has been royally screwed over by the dark Little Prince who had no idea what he was doing when Big Daddy Bush gave him the wheel of the most powerful car on earth.  President George Bush burned through more of current taxpayers and even unborn taxpayers money than anyone else in history.  President Clinton had many faults, but the man at least balanced the federal budget.  If I could go back in history and trade ANYONE in this country for Bush, I would.  Heck, I’d even give the presidency to the homeless dude I saw on my way home from seeing IOUSA (great movie by the way).  The homeless dude at least wouldn’t screw up the economy- he’d be too busy getting drunk & bringing prostitutes back to the Lincoln bedroom.

Joel, now that Black Monday has arrived, what should I do?

So now that the world and everything in it is coming to an end, I have 5 simple recommendations for everyone:

1. Build a bomb shelter for the inevitable war that comes after an economy implodes and blame must be placed on someone besides the person in power.

Build your bomb shelter to hide from war.

Blueprint for your Bomb Shelter

Your bomb shelter will be very useful for avoiding the nuclear, chemical or biological fallout from the coming world wars. I suggest bringing lots of pillows for your comfort and that of the beautiful women who join you (see suggestion 4).

2. Buy big guns.  Lots and lots of guns.  Guns keep the zombies out of your bomb shelter.

Big Guns needed to shoot unsavory characters such as the 4 Horsemen

3. Tons of gasoline needs to be purchased. You don’t want to be stuck riding a horse, when you are driving a car like the one below. Especially in LA.

Beautiful woman on a barely noticeable car. She disappears if the car does though.

4. Women. What’s the meaning of life without women? Don’t bother with the first three suggestions if you aren’t going to take care of this most important one. You don’t want to be stuck in a fallout bomb shelter for four years with nothing but a Maxim magazine and pistol, do you? You wouldn’t make it a week! I suggest you use the Borat method and take your “wedding sack” and go bag yourself a few hotties. Lord knows your charm won’t help. If the “wedding sack” isn’t effective, bring a backup Louisville bat… and pray that the economy actually goes down the tubes.

Mmmm... Hot girl in bomb shelter with me...

5. Bring an internet connection with a laptop that has BLOG.JOELX.COM in it’s bookmarks!

I know, I’m a shameless self-promoter.

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I have a right to have a nuclear weapon.

So screw you liberal bastards, I’m going to get me a nuclear weapon.

The purpose of the 2nd amendment was to give the people power over the government. Without the right to bear arms, the government can do as it pleases without listening to the people. If the people have arms, the government will be much more careful about stealing other rights. As all those cheesedicks say, “Freedom has a price”… however that price is people getting killed in our own country in gunfights, not overseas. I’d rather risk getting shot or blown up then have to live in fear of a bunch of morons with guns running a government bureacracy.

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The King Of America’s Recipe for a satisfying dinner:

-1 pound of garlic roasted asparagus spears
-3 fat butter & black pepper grilled steaks
-1 apple
-Half of a 2-liter Costco jug of grape juice
-1 container of low-fat orange yogurt

Consume this beautiful meal at home alone in peace. I never watch television (why do I pay for cable again?), but I turned it on and the Final Four basketball game between the hallowed University of North Carolina and Kansas was on. I watched it from the start and by the time I was done, Kansas was leading 40-12 and the announcer said, “This game is over” (which they never do since they want viewers to stay). I love watching either close games or games in which one team absolutely and totally dominates. Powerful success in all its forms is an aphrodisiac.

Am I a sick man for wallowing in such physical pleasures?

Most people would say yes, but most people have no passion, intellect or moral courage to take a stand in opposition to what everyone else thinks. And yes, I do intend that it be patently obvious I love myself furiously.

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In this post, the mighty King of America will be discussing abstinence specifically in it’s sexual form, mostly pertaining to religious sexual abstinence.

Why? Because sexual abstinence is not only life-wrecking, it’s hilariously dumb.

Growing up in an evangelical Christian church, I had extensive experience with people who both advocated (lots and lots) and practiced (a few) sexual abstinence. In my life today, I still have a couple of people who are sexually abstinent. I respect them, but discussing sexual ideas with them is like discussing freedom ideas with a medieval peasant. They have no idea what a beautiful and wonderful experience they are missing out on.

The Bible forbids sex before marriage (though many Christians have found a way around this by claiming that rectum romping and mouth to genitalia contact are not sex). I actually talked to a girl who told me that she was a virgin, but upon further discussion I came to find that she was shall we say “generous” in her hindmost activities. I find such hypocritical people to be completely silly and won’t address them here beyond a short laugh. Ha.

One of my good friends, Nick, believes that sex before marriage is wrong and thus has never done the dirty deed. I respect him because he follows what he perceives to be the correct action. I don’t like people who say one thing and then do another. It seems that he thinks the same way, because he still hangs out with me although we have radically different views on sexual abstinence before marriage.

The benefits of safe sex are numerous and clinically proven: Frequent ejaculation has been directly correlated with a lower risk of prostate cancer. Other studies have shown that excessive repression of the sexual instinct on a society-wide basis leads to a massive increase in aggression in a given society. For instance a psychologist named J.M. Prescott showed that societies forbidding premarital sex are plagued by much higher rates of acts of rage and have more crime and violence. Prescott’s study also demonstrated that sexual repression and aggression leads to insensitivity to the feelings of others, criminal behavior and greater likelihood of killing and torturing enemies (water-boarding by American soldiers who are mostly Christian would be a great example of this). Forbes has also published a study that tracked 1,000 middle aged men for a decade and found that the men who had the most orgasms had a mortality rate of HALF the men who rarely orgasmed. Other reports have shown that having sex a few times a week is associated with a reduced risk of heart disease, better fitness, weight loss and even a better sense of smell. In women, frequent sexual activity is directly correlated with reduced depression, pain relief, less frequent colds & flu, better bladder control, improved health and healthier teeth. Do these benefits only help older people? No. Studies have also shown that men in their twenties can reduce their odds of getting prostate cancer by 33% by ejaculating five or more times a week.

What are the possible benefits of sexual abstinence?

YOU WON’T BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY IN A LAKE OF FIRE WHILE GETTING POKED IN THE EYE BY ROSIE O’DONNELL!!!!

Right?…. Because studies have shown that abstinence education leads to a RISE in sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy!!! This is because people who are taught abstinence-only education in schools usually end up having sex anyways (hey, simple biology here) and when they do they are significantly less likely than others to use condoms.

So other than not having Saddam Hussein as your roommate and “special friend” forever, why would anyone give up the incredible joys and the natural high of sex?! Egad.

Now that we have had a quite thorough discussion of abstinence and it’s severe limitations, let us entertain ourselves a bit more with some of the greatest comedians in the land. Below are some funny takes on abstinenence and abstinence only education programs by various funnymen.

Abstinence Camp

“Will you abstinence make out with me?” “Let’s have abstinence sex!, YAY!”

READ MORE ON ABSTINENCE BELOW AND WATCH MORE FUNNY ABSTINENCE VIDEOS!!!

Bill Maher on Abstinence Only Education

“The only way to be really safe is not to have sex at all.. condoms are unreliable and break all the time. I have never had one break on me in 35 years, either I’m the luckiest man in the world or abstinence

“Girls who take the abstinence pledge are six times more likely to engage in anal sex and four times more likely to engage in oral.” I love it ahhahahaha.

Ahab- Abstinence

“What I would say to my virgin wife on our wedding night…..”

The Pants Come Off When the Ring Goes On
“Your beautiful face and rose petal lips; a beatufiul target I can’t miss…. Your beautiful chest that’s been blessed by the best… a Holy Cross riding between those breasts”

Ahh…. You got to love the inherent comedy in ridiculous beliefs like abstinence.

I should start a religion where only the men are abstinent! Man that has to be the best idea I’ve ever had. Since I will be the high priest, I will need to “christen” women into our new religion. Brilliant!

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For years I have noticed that people who are short or were short when they were young are often much more aggressive than the rest of the human population. My theory was always that short people (men especially) are more aggressive because they feel a need to “prove” themselves to their taller peers.

People throughout history have noticed that short men are significantly more likely to be jealous and angry and aggressive than tall people are. Older civilizations had a different name for “Short Man Syndrome”- “The Napoleon Complex”. Both are terms that describe an inferiority complex that physically short men have. Other terms for short man syndrome include “small man syndrome”, “little man issues”, “child molestor” and “little demon creature”. Some of those may be more scientifically accurate than others.

Many historical figures are alleged to have had short man syndrome- Napoleon Bonaparte, Mussolini, Attila the Hun, Stalin among many of history’s most loathed men. Could their short man syndrome have driven them to commit atrocities and have a drive for absolute power? Is short man syndrome a factor in life?

Recent and old scientific studies, along with piles of anecdotal evidence seem to indicate that yes, short man syndrome is a major factor in human society. Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands recently carried out a study to find out how short man syndrome affects relationships. Participants were asked to rate themselves on how jealous they were on a scale from “not jealous at all” to “morbidly jealous”. The study participants were also asked how interested their partners were in members of the opposite sex. The results showed that the shorter men were FAR more likely to be jealous than the tall men. Researcher Dr. Abraham Buunk said, “Taller men tended to be less jealous, and the tallest men were the least jealous.” In contrast, “the very short and very tall women tended to be more jealous and women of average height were the least jealous.”

Another study with more participants (about 400) was done afterwards and once again the shortest men were the most jealous on a sliding scale up to the tallest men. The researchers thesis is that their findings reflect insecurities among people who are not society’s targeted height.

I can understand why short men have short man syndrome. The world at large seems to have a very strong unconscious bias towards taller people.

Research studies have shown that the taller a man is significantly more likely to make more money, have more children, have more sexual partners and get more replies to dating advertisements than are shorter men. According to Malcolm Gladwell, the average CEO on the Fortune 500 list is 3” taller than the average American male. This statistic actually way understates what is actually going on- 58% of CEO’s on the Fortune 500 list are over six feet tall, while the American population average is 14.5%. As you continue to even taller heights, you find that the bias for tall people increases further. 3.9% of the American populace is over 6′2”, whereas 30% of CEO’s are over 6′2”. Short men have very good reason to be more aggressive and jealous than their taller peers- people automatically judge them as inferior. Other studies have shown that on average, each additional inch in height for a man gives him an additional $789 a year in income. If you take this over a 40 year lifetime of work and compare the difference between the average 6′6” man and the average 5′5” man, this adds up to hundreds of thousands a year of additional income. Also, in almost every presidential election in American history, the taller man has won over the short man. George W. Bush is a rare exception; but he still got less votes than the taller Al Gore. People love tall men.

I have questions about the correlation between height and success in life. Is it causative? Does being taller mean you probably have better genes and thus are more likely to be successful in life? Or is it simply a genetic prejudice held over from the days when big men were more likely to survive than shorter men? I don’t know. It may also have to do with nutrition: people who receive better nutrition at a young age have been shown to be more intelligent and grow taller than those who don’t. What do you, my readers, think?

Short man syndrome has been something that annoyed me my whole life. Shorter guys are always trying to prove they are better at me at whatever stupid activity we are doing. Sometimes I just want to play a simple game of horse without a short guy getting all heated. Since I’ve shown that there is a real cause for short man syndrome and that short man syndrome exists in everyday life, is there anything we can do about it?

Is there a cure for Short Man Syndrome? Has Short Man Syndrome caused more suffering than, say, cancer or AIDs? What is the Center for Disease Control (CDC) doing to combat short man syndrome?!

We cannot let the short man syndrome outbreak continue to spread… look at what it has done to the poor victim pictured at right.

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THE IRONCLAD PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT AS DESIGNED BY THE KING OF AMERICA:

THIS PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT, made this GULLIBLE day of HOPEFULLY NEVER,

is between THE KING OF AMERICA and HIS MAIN CHICK/DUDE (if I end up swinging that way).

1. PURPOSE. Said Parties expect to get hitched sometime soon. Each has a bunch of junk that they want to try to protect. The parties are setting forth in this prenuptial agreement their respective rights in and to all property of either owned at the date of their behitchment and in and to all property that may be acquired by either or both of them after their behitchment. They are also setting forth their rights regarding spousal support or maintenance. The King Of America shall in no way, shape or form, ever give any money, support or his family jewels to any woman/man/girl/boy/grandma/cripple. He reserves the right to claim every possession at his discretion of the other Party to this prenup.
2. JURISDICTION: This prenuptial agreement is to be solemnly respected by every local, state and federal court in the United States, as well as any international courts or courts in any other country (because the American imperialist society extends its reach globally). The only Court that may overturn this prenup agreement is the Court of the King of America (where the judge, jury and executioner are all the King of America himself).
3. FUTURE MULTIPLE WIVES: King of America will actively be lobbying for polygamy and/or polyamory. If said state of affairs becomes legal, this Prenup Agreement shall include all future partners/wives/hubbies/CHICKs. Merely dating the King of America shall trigger this prenup agreement and all of the clauses held within.
4. WEIGHT GAIN PROVISION: If the MAIN CHICK puts on more than 15 pounds from the agreed upon weight in Exhibit 3, divorce will commence automatically and the King of America will immediately take full possession of everything jointly owned.
5. CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES CLAUSE: The King of America occasionally commits crimes and has his partner and main influence, the CHICK will bear all legal responsibility including fines and prison time and the death penalty. The CHICK will face all of its own music if it messes up.
6. HOTTER WOMAN PROVISION: If the King of America manages to trick a better looking woman into liking him and is not yet able to have multiple marriages, he can trigger this provision to automatically take all assets and dump said CHICK on her sorry ass.
7. AGE PROVISION: The automatic divorce clause will be triggered upon said CHICK reaching the age of 40 or every 10 years, whichever comes first.
8. TRUST CLAUSE: The King of America’s word is to be taken as the highest form of evidence in any sort of court proceeding, taking precedence over any form of witness, audio, video or photographic evidence.
9. LAZY SLACKER WIFE CLAUSE: If CHICK stops bringing home the dough to support the King of America’s habits (said habits include heavy drinking, blog writing, nepotism, cocaine abuse, driving nice cars, pretending he’s an airplane, chasing homeless people, etc.), the King of America can trigger this clause to force the CHICK to work much harder with the use of so-called “domestic abuse”.
10. LACK OF LUVIN’ ITEM: The King of America requires a certain minimum amount of ‘quality time’ and may at any time sleep with others or leave his current woman for lack thereof.
11. SERIOUS DISEASE PROVISION: The PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT most definitely is not “in sickness or health”- if said CHICK becomes ill (cancer, broken leg, common cold), automatic divorce proceedings begin.
12. SPOUSAL ABUSE: If the King of America is ever accused of any form of domestic abuse, the King of America is to be immediately immediately acquitted and pardoned without any trial or even showing up for hearings. Spousal abuse allegations made by the King of America are to be automatically respected and be just cause for immediate divorce, no matter how ridiculous the King of America may sound (ex: “She killed me and defiled my body before I was resurrected by the Holy Spirit so I could come get my vengeance!”).
13. EFFECT OF PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT. This prenuptial Agreement shall take effect only upon the solemnization of the behitchment between the parties. What the hell is solemnization? Does that mean I have to consummate my marriage for this thing to work? What if I’m impotent? Thereafter, the King of America shall separately retain all rights in the property he now owns, including all appreciation, as well as property and income acquired separately in the future (”Separate Property”), and he shall have the unrestricted right to dispose of such Separate Property, free and clear of any claim that may be made by the other by reason of their behitchment and with the same effect as if no behitchment had been consummated between them. Mmm.. consummation… Separate Property shall include substitutions and exchanges for such property now in existence, and income and property acquired separately hereafter, and any proceeds therefrom, and from any income derived from such property, and any property purchased from the proceeds or income from such property. Separate property shall also include gifts or inheritances one party receives from a third party. The King of America reserves all right to his partners income, property, inheritances and gifts.
14. DISPOSITION OF PROPERTY. In the event the King of America should desire to sell, encumber (I don’t desire to participate in weird sex acts), convey or otherwise dispose of or realize upon his or her (in case of sex change) Separate Property or any part or parts thereof, the other will, upon request, join in such deeds, bills of sale, mortgages, renunciations of survivorship or other rights created by law or otherwise, or other instruments, as the party desiring to sell, encumber, convey or otherwise dispose or realize upon may request and as may be necessary and appropriate. Once again, this provision only provides protection for the King of America.
15. JOINT PROPERTY, ETC. This prenuptial Agreement does not restrict, prohibit or condition any conveyance or transfer by the parties, or either of them alone, of the Separate Property of either party into tenancy in common, joint tenancy, tenancy by the entireties or any other form of concurrent and/or undivided estate or ownership between the parties, or the acquisition of any property in any such form of ownership by the parties. The incidents and attributes of ownership and other rights of the parties with respect to any property so conveyed, transferred or acquired shall be determined under State law and shall not be governed by or otherwise determined with reference to this Agreement.
16. SEPARATE PROPERTY. The parties agree that the rights and obligations created by this prenuptial Agreement have monetary value to each of the parties and each of the parties agrees to make no claim to the Separate Property of the other party, either during the joint lives of the parties hereto or thereafter, and, if a party is not a prevailing party (as may be legally finally determined) with respect to any such claim, to indemnify the other party against all costs, fees and expenses arising from any such claim.
17. WAIVER OF RIGHTS. Except as otherwise provided in this prenup Agreement, each party hereby waives, releases and relinquishes any and all right, title or interest whatsoever, whether arising by common law or present or future statute of any jurisdiction or otherwise, in the Separate Property and probate estate of the other, including but not limited to distribution in intestacy, the right of election to take against the will of the other, any rights accruing by reason of events occurring prior to their behitchment, and any right to dower, curtesy, statutory allowances, and spousal support. Such waiver, release and relinquishment shall not apply and is not effective with respect to any rights or entitlements a party may have as a surviving spouse under the Social Security laws or with respect to any other governmental benefit or governmental program of assistance. This prenup Agreement shall not limit the right of either party to make such transfers of property to the other as he or she may wish during their respective lifetimes, or by will, or to acquire property jointly or in any other form of ownership referenced in section 4.
18. DISSOLUTION/SEPARATION/ANNULMENT. Except as otherwise provided in this prenup Agreement, each party specifically agrees that neither shall make any claim for or be entitled to receive any money or property from the other as alimony, spousal support, or maintenance in the event of separation, annulment, dissolution or any other domestic relations proceeding of any kind or nature, and each of the parties waives and relinquishes any claim for alimony, spousal support or maintenance, including, but not limited to, any claims for services rendered, work performed, and labor expended by either of the parties during any period of cohabitation prior to the behitchment and during the entire length of the behitchment. The waiver of spousal support shall apply to claims both pre and post-judgment. The #14 DISSOLUTION clause only applies to CHICK. King of America is exempt of course.
19. SLEEP: If said CHICK is ever caught asleep by the King of America, the King of America cannot be held responsible for
20. COHABITATION. Each party waives any and all rights or claims existing now or hereafter existing with reference to any period of cohabitation, if any, prior to the behitchment of the parties, including, but not limited to, any claim to real or personal property.
21. ERISA RIGHTS. Each party specifically waives any right, whether created by statute or otherwise, to pension, profit-sharing, or other retirement benefits earned by or credited to toe other, including, but not limited to, any joint or survivorship rights and any right which might arise in the event of the parties’ separation or the dissolution of the behitchment. Following the solemnization of the parties’ behitchment, each party shall execute such waivers or other documents as the other may reasonably request to evidence such waiver. Once again, only applies to CHICK
22. FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE. CHICK is to immediately forfeit all assets to the King of America. King of America will never tell anyone of his gold stash in Nigeria.
23. RIGHT TO CONTEST. Nothing contained herein shall limit the right of either party to contest any domestic relations suit between the parties or to file a countersuit against the other party; However, in any hearing on such suit, this prenuptial Agreement shall be considered a full and complete settlement of all property rights between the parties. In such case, neither party shall maintain any claim or demand whatsoever against the other for property, suit money, attorney fees and costs which is either inconsistent with or not provided for in this prenuptial Agreement.
24. INTEGRATION. This prenup Agreement sets forth the entire prenup agreement between the parties with regard to the subject matter hereof. All prior prenup agreements, covenants, representations, and warranties, expressed or implied, oral or written, with respect to the subject matter hereof, are contained herein. All prior or contemporaneous conversations, negotiations, possible and alleged agreements, representations, covenants, and warranties, with respect to the subject matter hereof, are waived, merged, and superseded hereby. This is an integrated agreement.
25. BINDING ON SUCCESSORS. Each and every provision hereof shall inure to the benefit of and shall be binding upon the heirs, assigns, personal representatives, and all successors in the interest of the parties.
26. SEVERABILITY. In the event any provision of this prenup Agreement is deemed to be void, invalid, or unenforceable, that provision shall be severed from the remainder of this prenup Agreement so as not to cause the invalidity or unenforceability of the remainder of this prenup Agreement. All remaining provisions of this prenup Agreement shall then continue in full force and effect. If any provision shall be deemed invalid due to its scope or breadth, such provision shall be deemed valid to the extent of the scope and breadth permitted by law.
27. PARAGRAPH HEADINGS. The headings of particular paragraphs and subparagraphs are inserted only for convenience and are not part of this prenup Agreement and are not to act as a limitation on the scope of the particular paragraph to which the heading refers.
28. FAMILY MEMBER MARRIAGE: The King of America reserves the right to marry any family member of his family or any family member of his spouses family at any time, no matter what local police officials say is the so-called “law”.
29. MODIFICATION. This prenup Agreement may be modified, superseded, or voided only upon the written agreement of the the King of America. Further, the physical destruction or loss of this prenup Agreement shall not be construed as a modification, unless King of America uses it as toilet paper in a fit of rage.
30. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. Each party acknowledges that he or she has had an adequate opportunity to read and study this prenup Agreement, to consider it, to consult with attorneys individually selected by each party, without any form of coercion, duress or pressure. Each party acknowledges that he or she has examined the prenup Agreement before signing it, and has been advised by independent legal counsel concerning the rights, liabilities and implications of this document.
31. MANDATORY EXTENSION CLAUSE: The King of America may at any time extend this agreement to include anyone he wishes, whether they agree to it or not. He’s the King of America, what are you going to do about it?!

Amazing. The King of America has written and approved this vital document and it has his official seal attached. Never question the great genius held herein. Prenuptial agreements are vital for every man and if you would like one written, please contact me immediately so that your assets can be protected and defended.

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So what is a subprime loan crisis? A subprime loan crisis is when the interest rates start to go up and a whole bunch of people who were stupid and used adjustable rate mortgages to finance houses they can barely afford can’t make payments on their loans anymore, resulting in foreclosure. I apologize for using all those big words that make your head hurt. Here’s an analogy of what happened in your language. A moron (pictured below in exhibit A) got an adjustable mortgage that cost $2,000 a month, interest went up and his payments became $2,500 a month and his house got foreclosed on. His wife left him for a hot young stock trader and now he is stuck making sweet love to a Ford Explorer.

Next question you moronic Americans ask is what is happening to our jobs and economy and governmental services?

Well, it’s pretty simple: your braindead politicians have been on a 60 year spending spree and the bill is about to come due. George Soros himself agrees with this analysis. Instead of the natural small boom and bust economic cycles, our politicians and terrible central bank management have artificially pushed a boom that has lasted for over half a century by using debt funding. When the economy does collapse, which it will as soon as foreigners stop investing everything they have in American T-bills, the dollar will lose all of it’s value and the massive bubbles in the stock market and housing will explode violently. The Great Depression will be a mild mood swing in comparison. Traditionally military superpowers don’t go out quietly into the financial night and start wars with other countries, so we have that to look forward to as well.

Was that too complicated? Let me give you a simple analogy. White trash girl turns 18 and gets 10 credit cards in the mail. Dumb girl (pictured below left) doesn’t care about the future and so she goes and runs up $100k in credit card debt when she makes $12/hour. Two years later she misses lots of payments and her debt is sold to “debt specialists” (pictured below right). Debt specialists send their peoples to ensure payment. Dumb blonde gets her feet put in a block of concrete and tossed into a river.

Our grandparents and parents generation are the dumb blonde on a spending spree. We are the ones who will be singing with the fishes when the economy finally goes to pieces.

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