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One thought on “Death Wish

  1. Dearest Joel, I ask you to forgive me for calling you and saying everything wrong that you did not want to hear yesterday. Not a day goes by, that I don’t think of you, pray for you and pray that somehow, someway, God would bring healing into our lives and relationship. I read your post about me in 2007 or 2008. It made me very sad. I can’t go back and change one minute of the past, or believe me, I would. I failed you many times and in many ways. I am no longer that same person, I pray. My dream is that somehow you would give me a chance and realize that I am now almost 57-tomorrow, nobody lives forever and I have realized relationships are the most important thing in life. You are my firstborn. I don’t deserve your love or forgiveness. But I pray for mercy. failed you in every way possible, but it was ME and not you. I had many unresolved issues and alot of baggage from my past that I did not know how to handle. Joel, I can’t express to you how much I have grieved over my failure to you as a mother and how much I long to have even a little chance at knowing you and being a part of your life. I am not that same person. I thank God for the work he is doing in my life. You can’t begin to know the hell my own choices have caused and continue to cause me. I am getting older, and with it experiencing infirmities that come with aging. I would like to know you while I can still walk around and see and hear. You have every reason to hate and despise me. I have walked around for years, hating and despising myself because of my failure as a mother. You can’t even begin to comprehend the abuse and anguish I have gone through. Many times as I have prayed that God would take me home because of what was happening to me, I thought of you, and how you hurt and suffered and were so alone feeling. I have no one in this world but you boys. You all matter to me more than I can ever tell you. You do not know my life. I know what it feels like to not be loved and to have no one to turn to and nowhere to go. Things are never what they appear to be. I would give anything in the world for you to clear your mind and heart for just a little while and imagine that my life is not what you apparently think it is. I am extremely lonely, isolated and miserable. With God’s help and alot of prayer, I have been searching for answers and direction so that the last few years of my life would be peaceful, full of love and serenity. I have what I think you would call a “broken picker” son. I seem to be drawn to people who end up not being at all what they initially seemed to be like and enjoy physical and psychological pain. I grew up with abuse and I guess that pattern of being drawn to the people who care little for me and want to hurt me can only be broken by God. I opened the door for much of this grief and trouble by not listening to anyone and being self-willed and stubborn. I guess you could say I have been “broken.” There are many, many ways to torture and abuse and hurt someone and make their life miserable. I have experienced too many. I don’t want your pity, I know I wouldn’t get it anyway. I just want you to know that I grieve for the pain I caused you. I do and will always love you. I pray that you will open your heart to me and give me a chance. I am not the same person that you knew. I have been homeless, lived in shelters and on the street. I ran because of the pain, fear and hurt. I had no one to turn to. I have recommitted my life to Christ and know that whatever happens, it is in His plan for my life. You can think I am crazy or paranoid, but I am not. I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Not psychotic or schizophrenic. Those diagnoses have only occurred in the past 14 years. I don’t know if you know what it is like to love someone and their heart has left you for another. They can’t even pretend to love or want to be with you, but maybe because of finances and other reasons they want out of the relationship, but not through a divorce. You probably are thinking I am paranoid or getting what I deserve. You could be right about the getting what I deserve. I have had more than I ever gave out and that is God’s Truth. I just want you to know that I love you, I always will and if you don’t believe in God, I guess you could say its been Karma. I hope sooner than later I will get a call from you. I pray that deep down inside of you somewhere you truly know I love you and how sorry I am for all the pain and rejection I caused you. Remember, I am not that same person. I know you don’t want to hear my problems. But I am being honest and real and want you to know that my life has not been a bed of roses. I truly love you. M.

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