These days I have very few occasions when I feel nervous, insecure or embarrassed. Even at times when I probably should feel that way I strangely don’t. A few months ago, the results of my ridiculous behavior resulted in some fairly serious consequences. Even in that situation, I thought, “This is an embarrassing situation”, but I had little of the accompanying emotions of embarrassment, insecurity or nervousness.
My dreams are different.
My nightmares no longer consist of giant stork monsters trying to boil me alive or haunting crows that peck me on the head at sunset, instead my dreams are of myself feeling very embarrassed or insecure in a variety of social situations. Last night I dreamed that I was strangely wandering around a carnival version of the University District in Seattle. The streets were cobblestone and went up and down in weird hills while the apartments and houses looked like gingerbread houses. Many people who have known me through my life were accompanying me: Mark Rody, Tara Walters, Plato, Trent, Ms. L, Becky Nichols and my three little brothers. Somehow the group of us ended up at a party my old fraternity with all the old frat guys there and everyone interacting with one another. In my dream, I had social interactions and observed people that made me feel the whole range of insecure emotions: fear, nervousness, humiliation, jealousy and embarrassment. I rarely ever have these emotions in real life and even when I do they are more of a tickling thought then the overwhelming raw power that hits me in my dreams.
Why do I experience these emotions in my dreams that don’t bother me in my regular life? I’m not sure. Perhaps they are vestiges of an earlier age when I was much more self conscious in social situations and had troubles and fears in my dealings with people. Perhaps they are Freudian emotions that I have merely suppressed in my daily life. Perhaps they are just silly insecurity dreams.