Holiday Themed Writing

Ever notice how on or around each holiday, most publications post a sprinkling of themed articles?   The practice makes my stomach turn.  People must like and read those stories since editors keep posting more and more.  Why people bother reading them is beyond me: they are repetitive, annoying and intellectually bankrupt.  The writing is extremely formulaic, usually starting with a little hook or directly addressing the reader then moving into a list of advice or some crappy study that confirms something everyone already knows.

The last week full of Valentine’s Day articles, stories on love and studies telling you how to attract a mate has made me hate life.  Stupidity has finally crushed me into such an apathetic oblivion that I am going to write my own tacky articles on Valetine’s Day below.

Enjoy.  Or don’t.

What is Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us once again and lovers are giving each other sugary treats, cuddly animals and crusty genitals.  But what is the real history behind Valentine’s Day?  Though the Saint Valentine mythology from 1493 claims that Saint Valentine was an early Christian priest who tried to hold marriage ceremonies for Christian couples till Emperor Claudius II found out.  Saint Valentine was then savagely beaten and eventually beheaded at the city gates.

While you celebrate Valentine’s Day with your beaux,  remember the good Saint Valentine and behead a Christian pastor.

5 Ways To Show Your Lover He’s Special

Valentine’s Day is the most special day of the year to true lovers and it is important to show your man how much you care about him.  If you follow these 5 simple tips, you don’t have to worry about him every leaving you.

• Give him a hug.  A simple hug shows someone that they are special to you AND gives you the opportunity to slip a crushed Viagra pill into his drink.  His endearing erection will show the whole restaurant how much he loves you.
• Create your own artsy heart.  Your crudely cut out red heart is the universal symbol for love.  You may use red construction paper, but for best results use a heart from a freshly killed puppy.  He will undoubtedly see the level of your passion.
• Tattoo his name onto the small of your back next to the butterfly tramp stamp.
• Make a man-shrine on the wall next to your bed.  Decorate it with countless photos of him, all with hearts around his head.
• Commit suicide.  Nothing says “I will love you forever” as much as taking direct steps to ensure that your love can never quit.