How to flirt effectively

The following is an excerpt from the very helpful “Joel’s Guide on How To Flirt Effectively”:

Flirting is a learned skill, not an innate talent unless you are the infamous Black Rooster. The Black Rooster aka Faryar has a natural slime that coats his skin and attracts both females and males to him for the purpose of mating. I am going to guess you have no such slime coating, so you need some tips on flirting. I’ll start with the preliminaries:

-Wash your body at least once a week. Nobody likes a Stank Frank.
-Don’t use your perv tools. My brother, Jordan, actually found a guy in his store using a little dentist’s mirror on a periscope to look up women’s skirts. He confiscated it from the creep and donated it to me as a curiousity. Using such items will result in immediate flirting termination.
-If you are male and not black, take out your diamond stud earrings. You are not gangsta.
-Hire me to put positive websites up over that sex offender registry that currently comes back #1 for your name on Google.
-Exercise. If you are male or female and cannot see your genitalia when you stand naked in front a mirror, no one will flirt with you or for that matter, even want to look at you.

Once you have all those ducks in a row, we can move to the actual flirting itself. Here are some way sweet tips for picking up chicks:

- If you want dumb girls, drive a souped-up rice rocket with a big muffler.
- Don’t use Craigslist or MySpace. I have learned this through hard experience.
- Don’t show her your photos of your penis on the first date. As a matter of fact, you should probably get rid of those altogether.
-If you are a coug, don’t leer menacingly. The jaded stare makes boys cry. Also, don’t try and trick him by wearing teeny bopper clothing. He can still see your crows feet and saggy tits. Have some class.
-Don’t brag constantly. No one cares that you are store manager at McDonalds.
-Lower your expectations. You may not want to talk to that guy with a wart on his eyeball, but why would Brad Pitt talk to your cottage-cheese ass?
-Start a conversation. Listen to what he’s interested in. People love to talk about themselves.
-Keep the stories about your career in juvie or the frat to yourself.
-Use body language to hint at your romantic attentions. Grab his dick and sing the “My humps” song.

Warnings:

-If the person you are flirting with is not interested, resist the urge to put them in a box.
-If you flirt with Joel, don’t make eye contact. When you make eye contact with Joel, you are entering a legally binding contract for sex. See RCW 7.24.130 for further details.
-The following joke is not at all humorous and never should be vocalized: “How do you make a girl remember you forever?…….. RAPE HER!”
-Men generally don’t respond well to the phrases, “I love you” or “I want to have your babies” within the first three weeks of a relationship.
- Women generally don’t respond well to the following phrases (discovered by my crack research team made up of my friends, acquaintances and I), “Nobody will ever love you but me”, “You are a cheap whore”, “Your mother looks like a hog”, “You can be my inside girlfriend”, “Your panties are crusty”, “Women should not ____”, “My son drowned your puppy”, (responding to request for phone # after sex) “I think I’ll just give you my email address”, and the classic “Here’s $20, go to Planned Parenthood.”

6 Responses to “How to flirt effectively”

1. 1
   Melanie Says:
   September 19th, 2007 at 3:35 pm

   you’re a jackass who shouldn’t be giving advice on any of this shit. And THAT’S where you got that goddamn mirror you perv!

2. 2
   Joel Says:
   September 19th, 2007 at 3:43 pm

   hahahahhaha… that’s the point of the post.

3. 3
   BlackRooster Says:
   September 19th, 2007 at 3:53 pm

   HAHAHAHA…funniest article I have read in a long time. You had so many classics in there. I LOVE it. Keep up the good work.

4. 4
   Fletcher Says:
   September 20th, 2007 at 1:40 pm

   As your attorney I feel compelled to inform you that RCW 7.24.130 is from the definition section of the uniform declaratory judgments act (don’t ask)

   It defines the word “person” in pertinent part:

   “The word “person” wherever used in this chapter, shall be construed to mean any person, partnership, joint stock company, unincorporated association or society, or municipal or other corporation of any character whatsoever.”

   For a truly Joel appropriate statute try RCW 4.24.550 (google it)

5. 5
   Joel Says:
   September 20th, 2007 at 2:06 pm

   Hahahhahaha… “RCW 4.24.550
   Sex offenders and kidnapping offenders — Release of information to public — Web site. (Effective until September 1, 2006.)”

6. 6
   Lori Says:
   September 22nd, 2007 at 7:12 pm

   You are retarded…

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