King of America: Abstinence Only Education
Abstinence is defined as restraining oneself from an appetite or desire for activities that are usually pleasurable such as sex, food, alcohol and fun.
In this post, the mighty King of America will be discussing abstinence specifically in 
it’s sexual form, mostly pertaining to religious sexual abstinence.
Why? Because sexual abstinence is not only life-wrecking, it’s hilariously dumb.
Growing up in an evangelical Christian church, I had extensive experience with people who both advocated (lots and lots) and practiced (a few) sexual abstinence. In my life today, I still have a couple of people who are sexually abstinent. I respect them, but discussing sexual ideas with them is like discussing freedom ideas with a medieval peasant. They have no idea what a beautiful and wonderful experience they are missing out on.
The Bible forbids sex before marriage (though many Christians have found a way around this by claiming that rectum romping and mouth to genitalia contact are not sex). I actually talked to a girl who told me that she was a virgin, but upon further discussion I came to find that she was shall we say “generous” in her hindmost activities. I find such hypocritical people to be completely silly and won’t address them here beyond a short laugh. Ha.
One of my good friends, Nick, believes that sex before marriage is wrong and thus has never done the dirty deed. I respect him because he follows what he perceives to be the correct action. I don’t like people who say one thing and then do another. It seems that he thinks the same way, because he still hangs out with me although we have radically different views on sexual abstinence before marriage.
The benefits of safe sex are numerous and clinically proven: Frequent ejaculation has been directly correlated with a lower risk of prostate cancer. Other studies have shown that excessive repression of the sexual instinct on a society-wide basis leads to a massive increase in aggression in a given society. For instance a psychologist named J.M. Prescott showed that societies forbidding premarital sex are plagued by much higher rates of acts of rage and have more crime and violence. Prescott’s study also demonstrated that sexual repression and aggression leads to insensitivity to the feelings of others, criminal behavior and greater likelihood of killing and torturing enemies (water-boarding by American soldiers who are mostly Christian would be a great example of this). Forbes has also published a study that tracked 1,000 middle aged men for a decade and found that the men who had the most orgasms had a mortality rate of HALF the men who rarely orgasmed. Other reports have shown that having sex a few times a week is associated with a reduced risk of heart disease, better fitness, weight loss and even a better sense of smell. In women, frequent sexual activity is directly correlated with reduced depression, pain relief, less frequent colds & flu, better bladder control, improved health and healthier teeth. Do these benefits only help older people? No. Studies have also shown that men in their twenties can reduce their odds of getting prostate cancer by 33% by ejaculating 
five or more times a week.
What are the possible benefits of sexual abstinence?
YOU WON’T BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY IN A LAKE OF FIRE WHILE GETTING POKED IN THE EYE BY ROSIE O’DONNELL!!!!
Right?…. Because studies have shown that abstinence education leads to a RISE in sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy!!! This is because people who are taught abstinence-only education in schools usually end up having sex anyways (hey, simple biology here) and when they do they are significantly less likely than others to use condoms.
So other than not having Saddam Hussein as your roommate and “special friend” forever, why would anyone give up the incredible joys and the natural high of sex?! Egad.
Now that we have had a quite thorough discussion of abstinence and it’s severe limitations, let us entertain ourselves a bit more with some of the greatest comedians in the land. Below are some funny takes on abstinenence and abstinence only education programs by various funnymen.
Abstinence Camp
“Will you abstinence make out with me?” “Let’s have abstinence sex!, YAY!”
READ MORE ON ABSTINENCE BELOW AND WATCH MORE FUNNY ABSTINENCE VIDEOS!!!
Bill Maher on Abstinence Only Education
“The only way to be really safe is not to have sex at all.. condoms are unreliable and break all the time. I have never had one break on me in 35 years, either I’m the luckiest man in the world or abstinence
“Girls who take the abstinence pledge are six times more likely to engage in anal sex and four times more likely to engage in oral.” I love it ahhahahaha.
Ahab- Abstinence
“What I would say to my virgin wife on our wedding night…..”
The Pants Come Off When the Ring Goes On
“Your beautiful face and rose petal lips; a beatufiul target I can’t miss…. Your beautiful chest that’s been blessed by the best… a Holy Cross riding between those breasts”
Ahh…. You got to love the inherent comedy in ridiculous beliefs like abstinence.
I should start a religion where only the men are abstinent! Man that has to be the best idea I’ve ever had. Since I will be the high priest, I will need to “christen” women into our new religion. Brilliant!
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Like my cheesy pic? :)
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
The caricature in the first cartoon (the one with the guy in a chastity belt), looks like you.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Abstinence is ridicolous. The funny thing about that is the people who advocate this the most are the biggest paedophiles. How many cases do we hear every year about catholic priests molesting chidlren. And these priests were dumb enough to get caught, who knows how many are out there who molest children on a daily basis and get away with it. If “God” wanted us to only have sex for reproduction then sex wouldn’t be the most pleasurable thing on earth. It would be something that humans would be “programmmed” to do a few times in their life time only to priduce offspring, like most animals. But sex is awesome and whenever you pass on sex you are cheating on yourself. I think it’s time we let go of ideas and morals that existed for over 2000 years ago.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Yeah, ridiculous morals are the cause of so much suffering in this world. Lack of sex causes aggression in all of these crazy guys and lack of height causes aggression in others. The combination creates men like napoleon and hitler. Bad news.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
The recent trend of fools claiming “abstinence-only” education is somehow to blame for teen pregnancies is an unfortunate off-shoot of this dialogue. The people making this claim offer no proof and no tangible connection between the two concepts. Last I checked, journalism was supposed to be about facts, and one side has provided zero to back up its claims. To me, zero facts = zero credibility, yet these people go right on chanting.
The other laughable part of their claim comes when they make some ad hominem claim like: “I have sex, and I’m monogamous,” as if somehow the accomplishment of connecting a reproductive organ with someone else on a consistent basis makes the person an expert on what national education policy should be.
Also, a monogamous sexual relationship — even if it were somehow relevant to the shaping of national policy — would be mostly irrelevant to the target audience, which is students in their early teens. Yet this piece of logic manages to slip past the anti-responsibility crowd.
Finally, these people claim to be “street smart,” yet they are selectively ignorant of the existence of anyone who has dealt with an unintended pregnancy. They also cling to percentages that should raise their awareness of the risk of a life-changing event, but somehow they rationalize these into a belief they’re at no risk at all.
Anyway, we haven’t addressed the myriad people with these beliefs who simply are not ready for a sexual relationship, but we’ll save that one for another session. Remember, responsibility is the only factual, rational decision here.