King Of America Explains Economics to Americans

Many of you out there are sitting on your couch, munching your three pound bag of Cheetos from Wal-Mart and watching the news on your plasma television as you struggle to breath because your blood can barely squeeze through the fatty ventricles in your hearts. You are feeling pretty confused about why the good ol’ U.S. of A is having something called a “sub-prime loan crisis” and why your greasy dollars can’t buy you cheap Canadian hookers anymore. Well, stop trying to force your pea brain to understand the complex world around you! The King of America is here to explain everything to you in terms YOU can understand! No thinking required.

So what is a subprime loan crisis? A subprime loan crisis is when the interest rates start to go up and a whole bunch of people who were stupid and used adjustable rate mortgages to finance houses they can barely afford can’t make payments on their loans anymore, resulting in foreclosure. I apologize for using all those big words that make your head hurt. Here’s an analogy of what happened in your language. A moron (pictured below in exhibit A) got an adjustable mortgage that cost $2,000 a month, interest went up and his payments became $2,500 a month and his house got foreclosed on. His wife left him for a hot young stock trader and now he is stuck making sweet love to a Ford Explorer.

Next question you moronic Americans ask is what is happening to our jobs and economy and governmental services?

Well, it’s pretty simple: your braindead politicians have been on a 60 year spending spree and the bill is about to come due. George Soros himself agrees with this analysis. Instead of the natural small boom and bust economic cycles, our politicians and terrible central bank management have artificially pushed a boom that has lasted for over half a century by using debt funding. When the economy does collapse, which it will as soon as foreigners stop investing everything they have in American T-bills, the dollar will lose all of it’s value and the massive bubbles in the stock market and housing will explode violently. The Great Depression will be a mild mood swing in comparison. Traditionally military superpowers don’t go out quietly into the financial night and start wars with other countries, so we have that to look forward to as well.

Was that too complicated? Let me give you a simple analogy. White trash girl turns 18 and gets 10 credit cards in the mail. Dumb girl (pictured below left) doesn’t care about the future and so she goes and runs up $100k in credit card debt when she makes $12/hour. Two years later she misses lots of payments and her debt is sold to “debt specialists” (pictured below right). Debt specialists send their peoples to ensure payment. Dumb blonde gets her feet put in a block of concrete and tossed into a river.

Our grandparents and parents generation are the dumb blonde on a spending spree. We are the ones who will be singing with the fishes when the economy finally goes to pieces.

4 Responses to “King Of America Explains Economics to Americans”

1. 1
   God Says:
   January 24th, 2008 at 11:56 am

   Ha! Letting dumb blondes take credit for this! It is the immorality of your country that is at fault! I will smite thee!

   By the way, where should I invest?

2. 2
   Joel Says:
   January 24th, 2008 at 12:30 pm

   I am investing in foreign growth stocks, but I’m not excited about those. Perhaps if you could buy property in an area that has already seen the prices crash… aka Detroit. I don’t know of anywhere in Washington state that is a great buy right now.

3. 3
   BlackRooster Says:
   January 25th, 2008 at 8:10 am

   First of all I love the pic of the dude making love to the SUV…awesome. Where tha fuck did you find that pic?
   Secondly, places where real estate prices have fallen hard are Phoenix and Miami (and some southern states). However prices will continue to fall till the end of 2008. If you are thinking about buying a property wait a little longer and purchase a home before 2008 ends. My suggestion is before the 2008 presidential elections.

4. 4
   Joel Says:
   January 25th, 2008 at 9:21 am

   Yeah, Phoenix and Miami still have room to crash. Especially Phoenix, because that city is running out of water AND power and if it keeps losing either, property will be worthless. I was thinking more along the lines of small towns through the South where the subprime crisis has already destroyed most of the value.

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