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King of America: Policy on the Homeless

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
Posted in Uncategorized by Joel Gross

Living near Pioneer Square gives me an intimate knowledge of the many varieties of bums. Too intimate in my opinion. Yesterday, a short Native American drunk came up to my friend and I as we sat on a park bench and tried talking in very slurred words. I shooed him on his way. He kept trying to talk, so I kept saying, “Shoo shoo, keep moving. We don’t want to talk to you.” The bum got pissed and put up his hands like he wanted to box me, but I just kept shooing him. He eventually wandered off down the street, to go pee on a lamppost or beg for change or harass other innocent bystanders.

Bums are everywhere. There are the bums who sit on the road begging for change, bums who sleep in the doorways of buildings, bums who are drunk or high, bums who are aggressive and bums who combine all of the above. Homelessness is a real problem in major cities and can be caused by many things; mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, broken homes, laziness and stupidity. Some people just are not capable of independence. However, I have a solution: Homeless cities.

Chronically homeless people (those who have slept on the streets for 3 months or more) will have the option of becoming wards of the state and moved to special cities that are designed to help them live. All will be required to work gainfully in factories or farms attached to the cities and will be monitored at all times. No alcohol or drugs will be allowed and all the bums will be neutered so we don’t have any bum babies running around. Anyone who has been living on the streets for more than two years will be required to move to these areas. Before anyone is taken to a homeless city, they will be tested for mental illnesses. If they are mentally ill, they will be neutered and placed in a mental hospital for the rest of their lives.

The homeless cities will force the homeless to work for their food and shelter. They will be well supervised and will have someone in charge to keep them in line at all times. After working for one year and saving a minimum of $30,000, the homeless will have the option of rejoining regular society or remaining in the homeless city. Anyone who refuses to work in the homeless city will be allowed to starve. If you don’t contribute to your society, you don’t deserve to belong.

My solution may seem harsh, but it will motivate many people to get jobs and force them to quit abusing alcohol and drugs. I think it’s about time that we stop thinking about how sorry we feel for bums and start to feel sorry for those who get harassed by bums.