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King of America: The Joy of Gluttony

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

Shows such as “The Biggest Loser” and “Quarter Ton Teen” have been cropping up lately trying to encourage Americans to eat less. Pop psychologists regularly appear on talk shows jabbering about how America has an “obesity epidemic” and how gluttony is tearing apart the fabric of our society.

Enough of that crap. The King of America is here to share with you some of the joys of gluttony.

The King of America is currently laying on his couch as he writes this post, his belly stuffed to overflowing and his heart full of joy. If he moves even a little bit, sharp pain shoots through his gut… but hey, who needs to move when you are already satiated?

The pasta recipe that brought the King of America’s gut to his knees was of titanic proportions. Everything he had in his kitchen wound up in the white pot. For the first time, the King of America was so stunned by his own gluttony that he counted calories… and nearly ran out of numbers. 17,190 calories. A meal fit for a King.

King of America on Gluttony

King of America on Gluttony

Calorie Counting for Gluttons:

3 sticks of sweet cream butter- 2,400 calories
Est.50-70 tbsp of olive oil- 6,700 calories
2 large bags of pasta- 3,600 calories
4 cans of tomatoes- 120 calories
3 lbs of fresh mushrooms- 50 calories
1 handful of basil- 10 calories
15 shallots- 300 calories
2 onions – 100 calories
spices- 10 calories
12 big chicken thighs 2,400 calories
Prego- 7 cups- 1,500 calories
Total Calories = 17,190

Gluttony: Aint nuthin wrong with that!

Gluttony: Ain't nuthin wrong with that!

Wall Street had it wrong- greed isn’t nearly as good as gluttony.‚  America enjoy your super-sized food.‚  It’s your God given right to eat yourself to death so you can be in heaven sooner.‚  If the Muslims can use their religion to blow themselves up with explosives, we can use our religion to blow ourselves up with food.‚  Heck, Jesus even turned a couple loaves of bread and a few fishes into thousands, there’s no reason we shouldn’t do the same with industrial farms.‚  Us Americans haven’t seen much of God’s direct miracles lately, but we can watch God’s hand work through the science of food processing.

The funniest thing about the King of America’s gluttony is the fact that he has a lower body fat percentage than most anyone he knows.‚  Three hurrahs for the King!

Rah!

Rah

rah

P.S.‚  The pasta was not all eaten in one sitting… it will be a regular meal staple through probably Sunday.