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King of America

Friday, October 26th, 2007
Posted in King of America by Joel Gross

I have decided that I am going to be the first King of America.

King of America will be a new branch of the government like the Presidency, Supreme Court and Legislature; only it will reside above these. Why do we need a new branch of the government you ask? Every so often someone needs to just step up and make decisions without worrying about what anyone thinks. President Bush has almost turned the presidency into a kingship, but it seems like people are rejecting his plan. A true, straightforward king is needed. He doesn’t need to do much, just relax and make sure the people are having fun and no one gets too out of line. The fact that England gets to have royalty and America doesn’t is outrageous… after all we invented Wal-Mart, freedom fries, asian people, Pat Robertson, reality television, sunshine and carpet bombinb.

Why should I be King of America? I am ideally fitted for the job: I can make brash, harsh, vicious decisions whenever called upon. I have no problem throwing people in prison for life for farting at an inappropriate time or having them beheaded for looking at me funny. I plan on instituting gladitorial combat for the entertainment of the masses. I will declare my close supporters as title holders. For instance, Fletcher is going to be Liege Lord of California. Also, I will throw some bones to the common man. Weirdos and opposition parties will have an annual “open season”- one weeks time in which any God-fearing American can hunt and kill them without consequences. The Westboro Baptist Church, Pat Robertson, Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, and Justin Gross (who just dropped a class) will be targets of the inaugural festivities. I will have reality TV crews following all groups around during the period. Each of them gets a half hour headstart, then all the rednecks and hillbillies get to load up their shotgun-toting truck caravans and head out. It’ll be really entertaining when all the families of soldiers’ who had their funerals protested finally get their vengeance.

How can we change the current system to make me King of America? Simple. I’ll do it the same way many dictators have taken power- you elect me president and I declare myself King. Once I am King, I will allow new elections for a President to run the everyday government so I can focus on blowing things up.

Why should Joel be uncontested King of America? I don’t think it’s fair to just appoint myself to this position, it must be fought for and won. Hence, I am today declaring my candidacy for the position. Any opposition that has the balls to step forward, please do. Keep in mind that I fight really, really dirty though.

3 thoughts on “King of America

  1. The thing you have to remember about Kings, is that they tend to rely on divine authority. Which you have none of. If you intend to commit the common masses to the march of monarchy, then you need an uber vengeful God who has appointed you king. Sadly, your atheistic or agnostic brain has no soul. Luckily, mine does. That being said, I won’t kill you as a potential threat to my throne. Instead I will make you the First Duke of Brazil and the Royal Southern Territories of Jordania. (Basically South America). Be happy with what you have.

  2. Gods Right punky, I’m the motherfucking King of America. Ive even got the Uber Vengeful God to Prove it. I earn that shit with far more than words. If you think being pissed off and vicious is enough to inspire and embody raw un-cut FREEDOM then you’re in for a mighty rude awakening. -Scattered Sam King Of America

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