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New, Final Chapter of the Bible’s Book of Revelations Found! Accompanying analysis by world’s foremost religious scholars

Sunday, September 9th, 2007
Posted in Fiction by Joel Gross

Disclaimer: Post meant to poke fun, not offend. Crude humor involved.

The lost chapter of Revelations, Chapter 23, foretold of the the coming onslaught:

Revelations 23:1 In the Revelation passed onto me by the Lord I saw the tall man coming up out of the earth and he had two followers;a small, kindly box that chirped and hummed like a songbird alongside a gargantuan beast with legs like tree trunks, a chest larger than that of an ox, eyes of flame and an unsurpassed manhood.

23:2 I witnessed the small one sparkle like the stars and point skinny antennae at the man to guide him onto the wise path.

23:3 However, the unstoppable beast would sometimes stop and grab the square one and with a mighty heave hurl him over the cliff’s edge. At these times, the man would find the beast pushing and whipping him onto paths the righteous do not follow.

23:4 The man would wallow his way blindly through the ravines of darkness and wallow through the blood orgies. The man would find himself participant and observer of brutal gladitorial contests.

23:5 I foresaw the beast lead the man into the pit of womanhood and from thence poured out endless legions of darkness. Armies of uncountable numbers and horror rushed forth, beheading the tall man and destroying the beast. When I came close to the armies, I saw they were made up of innumerable tall men, each with two followers; one boxy and kindly, one a gargantuan beast…

Bible Lesson:

Extensive research into this final, surprising book of Revelations has been performed by our crack team of the world’s foremost Biblical Scholars:

Ted Haggard: Listed by Time magazine as one of the top 25 most influential evangelicals in America, head of the 30-million strong National Association of Evangelicals and #7 most evil man in America. Recently faced disgrace for doing meth and having butt sex with male prostitutes.

Jim Bakker: Helped Pat Robertson found the televangelist industry, the 700 club and megachurch pastor. At his peak, he brought in a million dollars a week from gullible religious viewers to help fund his Christian theme park and television network. Fired in 1989 for public sex scandals and massive accounting fraud. He paid himself and his wife each annual salaries of $200,000 and gave himself $4 million in bonuses so he could continue the Lord’s Good Works on earth.

Pat Robertson: One of the top religious leaders in America alongside the Rev Billy Graham and the highly respected Al Sharpton. Also sells a “magical” protein shake on the side that he claims gave his 76 year old body the ability to leg press 2000 pounds. Truly, God is with him, seeing as the all-time Florida State leg press record was 1335 pounds done by a 23 year old, 300 pound lineman in the prime of his life on a specially fitted leg press machine. He is also the nation’s #3 cable operator, behind Ted Turner and HBO after he took his religious channel public and sold it for $1.9 billion to Fox.

ANALYSIS:

“Our combined years of experience and direct communications line with God Himself has revealed to us EVERYTHING you need to know about this SHOCKING new chapter and we are here to share it DIRECTLY with YOU! All for the low, low price of $19.99!!! Here is a sneak peak of the incredible, life-changing news straight from the Lord:

-The tall man actually refers to someone by the name of JoelX
-The boxy, kindly thing is an analogy for his brilliant mind which always reveals to him the correct choices!
-The beast is his physical desires, which occasionally lead him astray from his goals!
-The “armies of darkness” are the spawn he will father!

MUCH MORE IS INCLUDED IN THIS SPECIAL OFFER! ORDER NOW BEFORE GOD SMITES YOU!”

(aside)

Pat Robertson: “Gotta love abusing superstition for profit…”
Ted Haggard: “Hell yeah! How else do I fund my meth habit and need for gay hookers?”
Jim Bakker: “And to think, we almost took the moral high path and became used car salesmen. Muhahahaha… I think even child molestors cause less harm to the world than we do!”

2 thoughts on “New, Final Chapter of the Bible’s Book of Revelations Found! Accompanying analysis by world’s foremost religious scholars

  1. Biblical ignorance rears its ugly head again. Even when trying to be funny ignorance of the Bible is shown. I’ll type slow: There is no such book as RevelationS. Don’t believe me? Look in your own Bible at the title of the last book in the Bible. What is it with people? There is no S in Revelation. Buncha dumb asses.

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