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Policy Issue Stances for President Barack Obama

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
Posted in Advice by Joel Gross
Advice for Barack Obama

Advice for Barack Obama

After much deep thought and introspection, I have come up with stances on every single policy issue Barack Obama is likely to face during his four years as President of the United States.‚  President-Elect Barack Obama may or may not decide to take my advice on these policy issues, but if he does he will have a vastly more successful presidency.‚  If he chooses to take my advice, I do not even require that he cite me as his resource… he can claim it all his own.‚  I am kind.

Free Trade Policy Issues- The more free trade that goes on worldwide, the better off we all will be.‚  Free trade is the engine that pushes amazing innovations like the iPod, Jesus and digital auto gauges into the anxious hands of consumers worldwide.‚  Fair trade hurts the poor, free trade for everyone!

I consent! I consent!

I consent! I consent!

Age of Consent Policy Issue- If there’s grass on the field, play ball.‚  Wait… oops- that was my comment for the sports political issue.‚  Age of consent should probably be within 2 years of 14, 4 years of 16 and 10 years of 18 and 20 years of 20.‚  Just think about a 60 year old saggy sack with a pretty young 19 year old.‚  Ugh.

Government Size Political Issue- SHRINK IT!‚  Our government has grown far too large and controls far too much of our lives.‚  The President should be only a little bit more important than the CEO’s of major corporations or the Directors of major non-profits.

College Football Playoffs Policy Issue- Bring on the season long playoff system so that every game matters and the final games draw more viewers than the Super Bowl!

Death Penalty Policy Issue- Yes, we should put criminals to death in an entertaining way that generates money for our courts and prison systems.‚  Brilliant!

Secretary of Intern Hiring Bill Clinton

Secretary of Intern Hiring Bill Clinton

Interns to Hire Policy Issues- Hmm…. You should make former President Bill Clinton your Secretary of Intern Hiring and set him loose hiring the interns he only wishes he could’ve had.

Sex Policy Issue- Sex is good, mmmkay?‚  Don’t regulate it in any way, shape or form. What people do in their bedrooms is their business, not Uncle Sam’s.

Education Policy Issue- Privatize the public school system or introduce some sort of competitive system that forces teachers and administrators to do a better job than they currently are doing.‚  Bring back corporal punishment for students.‚  Discipline is good, right China?

Energy Policy Issues- Set a huge reward for the person/company who invents the first workable/implementable alternative to oil and coal.

Sin Political Issue- Keep religion and politics separate.‚  Some religions believe it is a sin for a woman to be in power and all religions have quirks that cause severe problems when they are used to run a country.

Environment Policy Issue- Barack, you and I should go on an endangered species hunting trip.‚  You are the freaking President of the United States and you could pardon us after we bagged some giant lizards and a lion or two.‚  Mmmm…. zebra steaks.‚  Also, save water by peeing in the sink.

What?! No more Beer Bongs for students?!!

What?! No more Beer Bongs for students?!!

Legal Drinking Age Policy Issue- Raise the legal drinking age to 23 and increase penalties on those who give minors booze to make it more difficult for college students/minors to obtain alcohol. I used to be very against this policy, but the evidence has changed my mind:

  • 1,700 college students die each year in alcohol related incidents.
  • 599,000 students are unintentionally injured and seek medical attention under the influence each year.
  • 97,000 students are raped when they are drunk or the rapist is drunk.
  • 25% of college students report academic problems due to alcohol consumption.
  • 11% of college students have reported damaging property while drunk (Trent).
  • 2.1 million students between18-24 drove drunk last year.

Housing Policy Issues- Remove tax breaks for people who are paying mortgages on a house they own.‚  It’s unfair that people who own houses get a tax break while those who rent cannot.‚  Homeownership is not actually a boon for Americans- instead it can create many severe problems for individuals and our economy. Get the government out of my home.

King of America Policy Issue- Make me the King of America!‚  I promise to judiciously enforce all of my policies and only build 3 palaces filled with my harems of beautiful women.

Abortion Policy Issue-Still find abortion to be an unsettled topic in my mind.

Crime Policy Issues- See Death Penalty Issue above for my opinions on what to do with criminals.

Short Man Syndrome- Short man syndrome is a severe problem in America today and it needs to be addressed.‚  Fortunately, Barack Obama is a tall dude who enjoys basketball so he should help us pass laws to keep all the shorties down.

Drugs Policy Issue- Drugs are also bad, mmmkay?‚  The whole war on drugs thing needs some very serious rethinking by our top policy makers.‚  You cannot declare war on an item, just like you can’t declare war on a tactic.‚  You declare wars on groups of people.‚  Note: Alcohol and caffeine are also drugs… let’s go bomb the winos in Pioneer Square.

Look at her, then tell me abstinence works!

Look at her, then tell me abstinence works!

Abstinence Political Issue- I may not have made up my mind about abortion, but I do know for sure that abstinence is not the right way to go.‚  The evidence has been piled up high showing that abstinence not only doesn’t work, but it causes much greater problems than a thorough sex education.

Best Newspaper Political Issue- My favorite source of news is the New York Times (nytimes.com), but I also enjoy cnn.com, yahoo.com, msn.com and the newyorker.com

Business Policy Issues- Reduce regulation on business as much as possible to foster increased production and innovation.‚  Leave a few regulations in place to prevent abuses.

Marriage- Any couple who wants to be able to marry should be allowed to (barring children and nonhuman species- you freak).‚  I think we should even allow polygamy and polyamory.

Foreign Policy Political Issue- Thank god the scandalous Sarah Palin will not be the VP or even worse the President, right?‚  “I can see Russia!”‚  Seriously though, we need to foster better relations with other countries, reduce barriers to free trade and begin considering globalization.

Healthcare Policy Issue- I believe that healthcare policy in America should be radically changed.‚  Healthcare and healthcare insurance should be deregulated to immediately bring down the monstrous cost that is currently imposed on our society.‚  End all regulatory support of the most powerful cartel in America, the American Medical Assocation and allow it to operate as a nonprofit instead.

Guns & Weapons Policy Issue- I am a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment and the principles behind it.‚  Our right to bear arms is vitally important to protect our freedoms from government encroachment.‚  If you want to know the best guns to buy, look at that post.

Beef Jerky Policy Issues- Mmmm… beef jerky.. I like to get the cheap $10/lb peppered Oh Boy Oberto beef jerky at Costco.‚  Butchers generally have fresher and tastier jerky though.

Homeland Security Policy Issue- The Department of Homeland Security is a bloated, bureacratic agency that has done nothing right except for deporting the Black Rooster.

Immigration Policy Issue- Opposing immigration is dumb in my opinion because it helps our economy and helps the immigrants.‚  The size of the GDP pie isn’t set- it grows with the work that immigrants contribute, therefore helping all of us.

Welfare Policy Issue- I’m a big fan of survival of the fittest… just kidding.‚  I think that private individuals and nonprofits do a far better job of helping the poor and infirm than do government agencies.‚  Homeless people themselves say that private shelter are far better.

Drinking Rainier Beer will help Barack Obama Relate to the Poor

Drinking Rainier Beer will help Barack Obama Relate to the Poor

Tastiest Cheap Beer Policy Issue- After all the evidence came in, I think that Rainier beer is the best.

War Political Issues- Only go to war if we will make the conquered nation a new state in our country.

Economy Policy Issue-

Obesity in America- Americans are getting fatter and fatter.‚  This creates nationwide health problems and the government ends up footing the bill for most of it.‚  The use of Walkstations (treadmills with built in work desks) should be encouraged.

Infrastructure Policy Issue- I am actually not sure what the best policies on roads, power lines, etc is.‚  Do any of you have an opinion?

Favorite Athlete Policy Issues- Brett Favre is the greatest athlete in history.‚  I love the man and would consider having a threesome with him and his lover John Madden.

Social Security Policy Issue- Scam operated by the government… there is no money for the retirements of anyone under 40.

Senator John McCain Policy Issue- Execute your former opponent, Barack Obama, to show who is the real boss.

Moral Political Issues- The government should not legislate morals, but only defend the rights of individuals.

Operating System Policy Issue- What’s better Windows, Linux or Apple’s OS?‚  I’m not sure.

Homosexual Marriage should be Legal

Homosexual Marriage should be Legal

Homosexual Marriage Policy Issue-Legalize it.‚  Don’t want Uncle Sam screwing anyone over figuratively or literally.

Affirmative Action Policy Issue- All affirmative action does is further racist attitudes and division between whites and blacks and others.‚  End all racism now, especially legislative reverse racism.

Next President Policy Issues- Vote for Jerry Springer as the next President.

Endangered Species Policy Issue- We should try to keep samples of all animals living in zoos, but I don’t care if they survive in the wild.‚  Natural selection, baby!

Campaign Finance Policy Issue- I haven’t thought about this enough to have a good answer.‚  Any of my readers have opinions?

Warren Buffett Political Issue- Put Warren Buffett in charge of the Treasury, Federal Reserve and the national budget.‚  The man is a financial god.

Estate (Death) Tax Policy Issue- I think we should have an estate tax to prevent trust fund babies like Paris Hilton from existing.‚  I guess Alex Ray Joel isn’t so bad though.

Flat Tax Policy Issue- A better system of taxation would be a universal flat sales tax.‚  It would be much easier to administer and there wouldn’t be room for loopholes or the armies of tax accountants that exist today.

Commercial Loans Policy Issues- Buy commercial apartment loans from Nick!

Steroids in Sports Policy Issue- My opinion on Steroids is in the linked video.

Redundant Hot Woman Picture

Redundant Hot Woman Picture

Other Tax Policy- Simplify the tax code to the point where every U.S. citizen can easily understand how it works.

Foreign Aid Policy Issues- Foreign governmental financial aid is even more of a waste than domestic financial aid from the government.‚  End it now!

Internet Technology Political Issue- The internet is magical, but stop it before it becomes Skynet!

Kyoto Treaty Policy Issue-Don’t sign anything that every other polluting country (china, india, etc) doesn’t sign too.

President George W. Bush Policy Issue- Bush burned the constitution and and trashed the individual rights of Americans during his presidency.‚  Do not be like him.

Border Patrol Policy Issues- As I said earlier, I am opposed to anti-immigration laws. End them now and see a big benefit to our economy.

Human Rights in China Policy Issue- China needs to be heavily pressured into treating its citizens better and not torturing its opponents.

Joel Osteen Political Issue- Denounce this guy and his scam operation.

Globalization Policy Issues- Encourage globalization and free trade worldwide.

Government $ for Faith-Based Organizations Policy Issue- Get the government out of religion as soon as possible.

Favorite Sport Policy Issue- American Football… I know Barack likes basketball, but he should try flag football.

Minimum Wage Policy Issues- The minimum wage does not help poor people, all it does is reduces the amount of teenagers that businesses are willing to hire and train.

NAFTA Policy Issue- Great start, keep increasing free trade worldwide.

Net Neutrality Policy Issue- I am actually on the fence about net neutrality.‚  Net neutrality is whether cable companies can police what types of data go through their networks and what they charge each type of data.

Ians Excellent Beef Tartare

Ian's Excellent Beef Tartare

National Chef Political Issue- Ian Coleman, the legendary Seattle chef, should be President Barack Obama’s personal chef.

WTO Policy Issue-Continue to boost this organizations mission of creating more free trade.

Former President Bill Clinton Policy Issue- As I said before, appoint him to hire interns.

Weapons of Mass Destruction Policy Issue- Not sure what the best solution on this issue is.

Military Veterans Policy Issue- Compensate them well for fighting for our country.

Demotivational Poster for White House Wall- Pick from my vast selection of demotivational posters.

School Vouchers Political Issues-Allow every child in America the chance to choose what school he or she will attend.

John Hagee Policy Issue-Get rid of this crazy scumbag.

Privatization Policy Issue- Reduce regulations and get the government out of areas the private industry could do better.

Government Regulations on Biz Political Issue-Once again, reduce regulations wisely.

Funny Barack Obama Demotivational Poster

Funny Barack Obama Demotivational Poster

Privacy Policy Issue- Privacy is not as important as people think.‚  If you aren’t ashamed of what you are doing, then why do you need to hide?

Men and Women- Biblically, men are supposed to be in charge of women.‚  Good thing we have that seperation of church & state thing, right?‚  Oh… I forgot- President George Bush has torn that wall to shreds with his Faith-based Initiatives.

School Prayer Policy Issues- Allow students to pray, but do not allow students or teachers to lead prayers in class.‚  If you allow Christian prayer, you must also allow prayer to the Great Spaghetti Monster.

Jesse Jackson Political Issue- He’s the poor man’s Martin Luther King.‚  All Jesse Jackson wants is attention and he usually ends up screwing up everything he gets involved with.

Native American’s Sovereign Nations Policy Issues-Eliminate special rights for native americans such as building the Snoqualmie Casino.‚  Every U.S. citizen should be treated equally.

Stem Cell Research Policy Issue-If we are going to allow abortion, we might as well do research on the dead fetuses.

Ten Commandment’s Posting Policy Issue- The 10 Commandments should not be posted on any government property.‚  The government is supposed to administer laws, not religion.

Iran Policy Issue- Bomb Iran, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.

United Nations Policy Issues- Either withdraw or have all nations contribute equally to support this bureacratic monstrousity.

My advice to President Barack Obama will hopefully be heeded.‚  Do any of you have anything to add or do you want to debate with any of my points or answer any of my questions on policy issues that I am not clear on?

One thought on “Policy Issue Stances for President Barack Obama

  1. Wow- that took a while to read through. For some reason you seemed intent on burying the good stuff in between boring self-plugs, mmmkay? I don’t mind the idea of having some sort of bandwidth usage charge from cable companies or other internet providers. It makes sense that they should charge more for those who use more. BUT, they also need to lower the rates for those of us who just access http://www.blog.joelx.com, http://www.nytimes.com, and http://www.GOP.com. In regards to campaign finance reform, I really believe that we need to eliminate the rules that limit how much money a private individual can donate, so long as they are publicly tracked and recorded. The modern media era allows us to quickly evaluate the interests and histories of that person. Companies, NGOs, and NPOs should not be able to donate. There is too much hidden interest and backwater dealings when they become involved- most of the time they are simply a shield for corruption and for bribery. Who knows whether or not the “National Institute for Petroleum Conservation” is funded by Shell Oil company or by Greenpeace? Otherwise, thanks for a rather meaty, self created post. And not just regurgitating something from someone else like “http://digital-auto-gauges.com”

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