Blog
06/29/2008
Posted in Reflection by

The Sorry String Of Love

Through my life, I have noticed that many times the person an individual loves most does not love them back the same way. Instead that person loves someone else most, who in turn does not love them back.

People still fall in love with each other; if you spend enough time with many people you will eventually love them. What I’m talking about is different though…. I am talking about that feeling of urgent desire for someone else that doesn’t go away, when even when you are together you can’t get enough of them. Someone who you love everything about even from the start. Someone who’s name not only pops into your head all the time, but when it does it gives you a chill. The person for whom you know you would do anything for, just to have them smile at you.

Out of all of the hundreds or perhaps thousands of couples I have met, onlyy a few both loved each other this way. Usually, one person loves the other in this intense way while the other person is just sort of comfortable with it. After time goes by, the other person grows to love the one who is so passionately in love. But their love is of a different kind- more brotherly love with a tinge of pity.

I don’t think it’s that there are just a few people out there that everyone else falls passionately in love with… I think that everyone has the potential to be loved this way by the right person under the right circumstances. I have loved other people in this way and I have had other people love me this way, but never has it happened to be mutual. Almost always one person loves the other this way while the other person just tolerates it. Most marriages are this way in my opinion- one person loves intensely and the other person settles. Biological clocks start to ring and people get scared and settle for each other.

Is this process sad? In some ways. Is it bad? I don’t think so…

How can you tell which person is which in these situations? Simply ask them what they like best about the other person. The one who is intensely in love will look a little confused and will give you a rambling answer… the question of why they love is almost irrelevant to them: “She just has that sparkle in her eyes…” or “He gives me butterflies when I look at him”. An example of someone professing this type of intense love is Lena Chen on the Sex in the Ivy Blog (/Sex and the Ivy Blog lol)… she is someone who is highly articulate, but can’t really explain how she feels about “Summer Guy”.

The person who may love the other, but not in the same intense way will be more eloquent and will talk about the person they love’s intelligence, beauty, honesty, humor, good personality, wealth, connections, success, and the how much that person loves them. All of this will be spoken of in quantifiable-sounding terms: “She is the hottest and smartest girl I’ve ever dated” or “He is very good at making me laugh and just has that puppy dog look when he looks at me”.

The person who loves so intensely usually has much less power in these relationships. Ultimately, the intense lover can’t walk away from the relationship without massive emotional struggle and pain, while the other person can move on quickly. I have been on both sides of these relationships and though the person who can walk away has more power and usually more happiness, I would rather be the intense lover. Nothing else can make you feel so alive.

The dream is to have a relationship where both people intensely love each other, but I’m not sure if these are possible. The very nature of them usually turns one person or the other cold.. it’s like two positively charged forces pushed together; they will repel each other or one of them will turn negative and become the standard lover.

Of course, relationships where both people are sort of blase about the other don’t last either. When hard times come, the glue of intense love isn’t there to patch up the problems.

I think the pinnacle of life is to find someone who you love intensely without reserve and who in turn loves you back in the same way, even if it is only for a short time before one person loses the intensity and perhaps even settles. I am a person who will never be a settler- my nature demands that I love intensely with single minded drive… even if the other person doesn’t love me back in the same way and I know it.

5 Responses

  1. BR says:

    I agree with some things on this post but the matter of the fact is that human beings, especially women are not capable of “handling” ultimate love. We all know that when a man loves a woman uncoditonally and is prepared to do anything for her, even give his life if he has to that woman will soon be bored and become distant. Women love assholes and that is a fact. As soon as a woman thinks or feels that she can now control her man’s feelings and actions, that’s the moment when she looses interest because she now knows that there is no possiblity of loosing him to a better candidate. In swedish there is a word that desrcibes women’s personalities, the word is “behovsinriktad” which directly translates to being driven by your needs. A Woman will go great lenghts in “conquering” her man and win him over but once he has been conquered it’s game over. I know some women will read this and say it’s not true or they will pretend like they are not like other women. I can say for certain that probably 95% of women are exactly like that.

  2. Joel says:

    I have to disagree with you here, BR. I agree with you that once someone loves another unconditionally and will do anything for that person, oftentimes the recipient of that love loses interest. However, this has nothing to do with just women doing it; it’s a trait that is shared by both sexes. When someone gives themselves completely over, the other person feels like they have lost the challenge and thrill of the hunt and soon they are bored. When girls do this to guys, they are often described with words like “needy”, “clingy” and “overwhelming”. A girl who gives up her whole heart to soon and intensely loves a man will often turn that man off just as much as you do when you go after a girl too hard too soon. And I too can say that 95% of men are this way too,,, pursue them too aggressively too soon and you will scare them off.

  3. BR says:

    Yes that is true in the bginning of the relationship. No one wants to come across as a desperate stalker or clinger but what about when you are past that staged and have married the other person. Women are always saying how they dont want to play games with their true love. Women are always saying how men are deceiving and incapable of loving them unconditonally without playing any games. They say that they want their husband to be mature, responsible and past the “playing mind games” stage. But the matter of the fact is that as soon as you stop playing games it’s game over. Biochemically love is no different than eating vast amounts or chocolate, hence love can be artificiallly created, hence it’s not real.

  4. Joel says:

    BR, we are discussing different things- you speak of passion, whereas I speak of love. Passion is the fire that makes a relationship hot & heavy. For passion to stay strong & hot, you need a certain amount of friction and head to head battling. Passion makes for better sex and more everyday emotional highs & lows. Love on the other hand is a little bit different. Love is more of a rock solid commitment than a feeling. Perhaps in writing the original post, I should have described the intense love I spoke of as more of a combination of passion & love than just intense love alone. Hmmm…. What do you think?

  5. BR says:

    No Im talking about love as well. Passion is something that no matter how hard you try will eventually go away. Passion is something yu feel when you first meet someone. I think they say that passion last on avergae about 3 years. However whats left after that is love and respect. If that passion turns into love and resepct then you will probbaly be Ok but if you just rely on passion to carry you through then you’re screwed. My point is that alot of women can’t handle true love, not true passion. Because most women dont have any probelms with true passion. Because passion is seductive, sometimes wrong, adventorous and exciting. But true love is something different. It’s stable and solid. My point is that most women will loose interest once that passion turns into real love. Don’t get me wrong men can be the same way as well, I’m not generalizing but my point is that women should STOP acting like they know what real love is and that they want a “nice” guy. Women want someone who can keep make them feel safe but also excitided and dangerous 24/7. They must feel like they can loose they guy at any moment to a better candidate if they don’t try hard enough. Because women are so competitive with each other over men that although they want a man that won’t cheat on them, at the same time they want their man to be desired and wanted by other women so they feel better about themselves and that they have to try really hard to keep him. For example women buy nice clothes to impress each other, not the men because we could give too shits about whether she is wearing black high heels or brown ones. or a pearl necklace or a dimaond one but women obviously care. Same theory applies to men, they want a man that is desired by other women and wanted by other women. Once they feel like he is no longer deisred or on the market cause they have hm to themselves it’s game over.