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Time Machine To Do List

Thursday, February 14th, 2008
Posted in Entertainment by Joel Gross

What I know now. I was having a fantasy today about having a time machine. Below are a few of the things that I would do:

-I would use my time machine to go hunt dinosaurs. Jurassic Park had it right- a nice big game preserve with the biggest monsters history has known. I’d be decked out like Rambo with a rocket launcher, .50 caliber sniper rifle and a light machine gun for anything small and fast.

-I would use my time machine to make sweet love to Helen of Troy. She had to be good, right?

-Paint directions for making an iPhone on the walls of a prehistoric cave.

-Outbid the first settlers of Manhattan to buy the island from the indians with extra beads.

-Go back in time and film the original 300 to show they were all just as gay as the modern movie. And to show the Black Rooster.

-Go and find out if Jesus Christ really did rise up from the dead, Mohammad did all the things he supposedly did and find out if Noah really loaded up 27,000 animals into a wooden ark with enough food for 40 days and kept them from killing each other as soon as he opened the doors to the ark.

-Short sell massive amount of Enron right before it collapsed and then use the proceeds to be Google’s angel investor.

-Hide a secret suicide note in JFK’s pocket to mess with all the conspiracy theorists for the rest of history.

-I would use my time machine to go back a few hundred years and eat all of the plants and animals that are now extinct.

-Give Napoleon Bonaparte platform shoes.

-Give Paris Hilton’s father a vasectomy.

-Tell my father that he should use birth control.

-Open a grocery store and sell fifteen year old food that has not yet passed its expiration date.

-Go back 5 minutes and tell myself not to write such a moronic post.

-Kill my great grandfather and forever destroy the very fabric of time and cause the universe to blink out of existence.

-Eat more beef jerky, have more sex, live with a freer heart, and be a kinder person to everyone I have met.

-When I watched the Patriot starring Mel Gibson, I wished I had a tank or a helicopter gunship. How fun would it be to rock those guys with far superior weaponry? Pretty darn cool.

-I would use my time machine to tell Fred Stephens that Michael Hessemer is NOT his friend.

-Ask my grandparents to let me study for a year in Europe at the end of high school. Unfortunately, I was a small-minded boy. Unlike now, right? Right?

-Find Arnold Schwarzenegger when he was 7 years old and kick his little lily ass.

-Shoot the inventor of guns.

-Go to the future. Get alzheimer’s cure. Give it to Pat Robertson.

-Go back in my time machine with a 50,000 gallon container of water. Have Jesus convert to wine. Come back to present and live happily ever after.

-Kill all other time travelers.

-Use my time machine to go back in time and bring myself back a pet Velociraptor.

-Go back in my time machine to this morning and tell myself to wash my underwear.

-Go back further in time and give Hitler a hug as a child.

-Travel back in time to the Garden of Eden and bake a big ol’ Knowledge of Good and Evil Pie.

-Go back in time to half an hour ago and give myself funnier ideas of things to do with a time machine.