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Want to know what it’s like having 3 younger brothers?

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
Posted in Uncategorized by Joel Gross

I am going to allow my select few readers a glimpse into the magical world of brotherhood. Below is a recent email conversation my brothers and I have had that shows how some of the interactions play out: they are 3 parts humor, 1 part competition, 3 parts bullshit and one hell of a lot of love.

I sent a link to a story in the NYTimes about how the eldest child typically has an IQ several points higher than his younger siblings with the subject line “Important breakthrough in research” to Jordan and Justin (I don’t have Josh’s email address).

Here is Justin’s reply:

1.) you have too much time on your hands

2.) we aren’t 100% genetically related

3.) I’m not the one kissing a dike who looks like a man and probably is a man

4.) you weren’t living at home with Jordan and I for a number of years…Jordan probably played more of a teacher role in josh & I’s lives.

5.) the last think I let you try to teach me was how to drink responsibly…we all know how well that worked out.

6.) Love justin

Below is Jordan’s reply to the string:

I agree with Justin’s analysis.

1. You do have too much time on your hands.

2. Genetically, I’m the oldest pure brother.

3. I am the teacher.

And you all need me.

Finally, this was my reply to them. I realize it may sound completely ridiculous to outsiders, but it’s the way we interact- lots of tongue-in-cheek humor, wildly outsized cockiness and making fucked up jokes about our dysfunctional family:

Sadly, it looks like you to bear out the research one again with your poorly formed logic. My massive IQ carries me through life with ease and you, my depressing brothers, must struggle to understand the smallest occurrences around you. I am incredibly talented at everything from business to women to philosophy to drinking to modern technology. Sheer domination in every area has marked my path through this world. Justin, you of the feeble mind, are merely not capable of handling the rigors of my alcohol teachings. You failed that test, much like you failed math. Am I to blame if I taught myself AP Calculus, yet your malformed brain can’t do basic algebra? Jordan, as to your claims that you are the oldest pure brother, nothing has been proven. It is still highly likely that I have Randall Gross’s genes in me. It is also just as likely that mom didn’t clean up her whorish act after my birth and you guys are all my pure brothers- from the ball sac of Bruce Eide or some other man. I know all of these facts never entered your head while you were hunting and pecking at the keyboard to send your initial email, but I think I have presented them plainly enough.

Please do not respond to my email with your idle words and incomplete thoughts; they do not faze me. Instead, show me that you are my better through your ACTIONS. Don’t be a Randy Gross or a Linda O’tyson and make a lot of claims that are simply untrue. Overcome your IQ limitations and make an effort to accomplish more than I have. Learn how to land beautiful lady after beautiful lady (and not get completely owned by her, Justin), learn to make more money than me, found a successful business, move to the big city, learn to drink, break the strings of mommy and daddy and move away on your own, bench 300 pounds, beat me at chess, beat me at scrabble, beat me at football, beat me at sexual prowess, beat me at anything worthwhile. Go out and fucking achieve!

Yours Truly,

Joel

Pimp Fucking Daddy.

We are completely ridiculous, but we entertain ourselves to no end.

13 thoughts on “Want to know what it’s like having 3 younger brothers?

  1. My girlfriend apparently is a little handicapped: in the way I use the word, i am correct: it actually is spelled f-a-z-e. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faze

  2. I’d rather have the handicap of having poor spelling skills than having an “innie” for a penis.

  3. How pathetic. Heads shrunken on shoulders and below. Wow, talk about some parental “issues.” I happen to love my parents. They’re not the ones “whoring around”-and your viewpoint is particularly limited. Mommy don’t have “nodaddy” either bro! At some point you gotta take responsibility for your own f—-d up decisions and quit blaming it on your dysfunctional family. Slow down or your brilliant brain you think you have will be pickled before your 40, with some old lady changing your depends! We all still love u anyway. One way to view the entire situation, is that we all are quite gifted intellectually and we all no for sure we share one set of genes in common. R

  4. Lol… Hello mom. I told you not to be reading my blog. No one is blaming anyone and I don’t need your “advice”. If you don’t get our sense of humor, stay out.

  5. Your a very good writer, an enjoyable read. Unfortunately, because we have no relationship to speak of, and I love you, I try to once in awhile take a gander at whats going on in your life. I was taking a stab at being humerous myself, not trying to “give you advice.” Sorry, it came off that way.

  6. Ahhh, my eldest brother, you still have much to learn, but I’am happy you didn’t mention me, but I can see how troubling this was to you since I have no errors and don’t smell like crap, now go pour yourself a beer! -The smart,beautiful,athletic, one

  7. You forgot to add my last reply to your final post. I think it would clarify for everyone my supremacy. I’ve come to the realization that you don’t need Jesus (because he is a crutch for the weak minded) because you have me. To you I am Jesus.

  8. Pingback: Psychology » Blog Archive » Sociology 3

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